Sunday, April 29, 2007

Generic Russian Girl

Went out on a first date with blonde generic Russian girl number #34564 the other night:

favorite drink: martini
favorite music: R and B (MTV style)
favorite food: sushi rolls (but not actual sushi)

And she's been to Turkey for a holiday. . .

It's like they're turning them out in a factory somewhere.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

It's Not Easy Being Me

So I met this really nice-looking little chick a few weeks ago -- tiny little dark-haired thing with a magnificent rack and a body like a rock. (Well, a curvy rock.) We spent the whole evening dancing and making out, and then I saw her again last Friday, we did the same thing again -- but we were both pretty drunk and then she disappeared rather suddenly. I wasn't too surprised -- she was pretty drunk, and obviously the cock tease type.

I got up the next afternoon, and masturbated twice in the shower. Feeling much better, I had lunch, started drinking beer and checked my E-mail. After that I found I was still a bit worked up thinking about the little hottie from the night before, I masturbated again at about 3:00pm, and then met some of my colleagues for some serious afternoon beer drinking.

Around seven or eight, I got an SMS message from the girl -- saying that she was sorry that she left suddenly, her purse had been stolen. And that she wanted to meet at nine and spend the night with me.

So after three wanks, and about nine beers, even with this hot girl, my penis was about as hard and penetrating as a garden slug.

Don't think she went away too disappointed though. Thank God for The Shocker.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

The World's Worst Source Of Free Pornography

I really don't understand this -- people are constantly bugging me to post more low-quality anonymous shots of cleavage, ass, and legs which I take with my 1 megapixel camera phone in nightclubs.


And here you're expecting some 37-year-old itinerant English teacher in Bumfuck, Russia, to provide you with free wanking material. Like I've got nothing better to do with my time.

Having said that, there'll probably be some more pictures soon, tbe battery in my latest second-hand phone isn't too good and dies whenever I turn on the camera.

Here's something for the bestiality fans though. Maybe I'll go take a picture of my shit floating in the toilet for you coprophiles out there.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Favorite Movies

You can tell a lot about people by their favorite movies.

If you ask most Russian girls what their favorite film is, they quite often (maybe 70 percent of the time) claim to really love the film CRUEL INTENTIONS, a film about a couple of shitty, shallow good-looking rich kids and the vicious, dishonest sexual games they play with various innocents.

I think my favorite movie is BLADE RUNNER, which indicates that I'm both genetically enhanced, devoid of empathic human emotion, and starkly lit with rain falling on me constantly.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

The Day Before The Day After Tommorrow

It snowed so fucking hard the other night that TREES COLLAPSED.

Now, two days later, it's like fifty degrees F.

I think it's the day after tomorrow already.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Mother Nature Gives Us A Few Inches . . . Up The Ass

The snow had all melted and it had been sunny and increasingly warm for the last couple of weeks -- even the mud puddles were drying up.

And then last night an admittedly-freakish snowstorm dumped about three inches on us.

It got back above freezing in the afternoon today, and then sun even came out -- most of the snow melted again, although there was plenty of mud and shit.

And then as I left work, another freakish storm began, and has currently given us about three inches with no sign of stopping anytime soon.

Hints For Living in a Cold Country:

1) Keep your underwear laying on a hot water pipe so it'll be warm in the morning
2) Move to Thailand

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Face Control At The Bowling Alley

As tempting as it might be to turn this into a long story with that as the punchline, I'm just going to start with it:

We got denied admission to A BOWLING ALLEY last night for reasons of "face control." (The Russians use this English loan word -- "feis kontrol" -- to excuse their style Nazi-ism.) The security guard said it looked like we were drunk.

We had, of course, been drinking, but we were not completely drunk -- we were all pretty hungover, of course, unshaven and badly dressed and all.

And I suppose I should offer up the background information that bowling is a somewhat trendy and expensive thing to do in Russia -- usually costing $20 or $30 per hour in cleverly black-lit bowling alleys with cool music. (I ordinarily wouldn't have remotely considered paying that much to bowl, of course, but the girls we were with wanted to go.)

FACE CONTROL AT A FUCKING BOWLING ALLEY. It's a good example of what's happening to this fucking country. Next we'll have face control at McDonalds.

So in response we screamed and shouted that we knew the administrator of the company, and that we'd have them fired. (I did actually meet the president of that company once, when he was looking into English lessons for his staff, but of course I'm not going to bother the guy about something so stupid.)

The thing about these sorts of places in Russia, though -- trendy nightclubs and entertainment centers -- is that the service is almost inevitably going to be shitty, and you can't do much to complain about it, because their main function is laundering illegal money. Nobody involved cares whether the customers are happy, including, it seems the customers. . . as long as they can feel trendy.

Friday, April 06, 2007

The Magic of Springtime In Russia

First the snow turns to slush, then to mud, and then to dust. Then the diseased beggars from the former Republics appear on the streets clutching snot-nosed starving little children.

The magic of springtime in Russia.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Fuck The Transformers

Okay, I know, I promised once I wouldn't bitch about pop culture stuff on this blog, like all the other morons.

But just this once:

The Transformers are stupid. I didn't like them when I was a kid, I don't like them now. The question is just: WHY, if you were designing a real robot, would you NEED a robot that could change into a truck? Isn't it cooler / more effective just as a big, well-armed robot? And if you want a dangerous truck, then design a dangerous truck with a lot of armor and weapons. What possible reason is there to combine the two?

Okay, you're saying: maybe the robot needs to disguise itself as a truck to sneak into some place, or just mix in with the civilians vehicles and hide.

First of all, I can't EVER remember them doing that, on the few episodes I watched, but more importantly, they DIDN'T HAVE DRIVERS, which of course would give them away immediately.

Okay, assuming that you had some kind of secret facility and were worried about robots sneaking into it disguised as trucks, and assuming the Transformers were bright enough to get some humans to sit inside them to try to fool everybody, are you telling me that it wouldn't be easy to come up with some kind of device to detect a robot disguised as a truck? That it wouldn't have a completely different heat signature, for example? And of course a flouroscope would queer the whole deal immediately.

Anyway. Okay. Sorry. Just had to get that off my chest. And now back to pictures of titties, me bitching about my job, and descriptions of drinking binges.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Attack of the Angry Meteorologists

Why I never! It turns out the ranks of posters at the respected storm-tracking and bad weather discussion board, STORMFRONT.ORG, are RIDDLED with angry racists!

Just look at these terrible comments left behind in my post about Russian Nationalism!

Turns out they've got something against eating chicken too. Don't know why, it's a perfectly respectable source of protein. Maybe they prefer free-range, or something.

Monday, April 02, 2007


Man! My fame is spreading like an STD!


I'd like to welcome all you good folks from to English Teacher X! Don't quite get why you'd have a whole site about inclement weather conditions, but hey, we welcome all kinds of people here! You guys like a good thunderstorm, all right! I like to party, you guys like thunderstorms!

And I'm not sure why people who like thunder and heavy cloud cover should be interested in Russian nationalism, but you guys rock on, okay? I mean, it takes all kind to make a world, eh?

But I have to warn you, some of your board members really seem to like to use the "n-word." You better watch that, or people will start thinking you're a bunch of Nazis or something.