Thursday, July 31, 2008

I Would Like To Feed Your Fingertips To The Wolverines

One of the new guys in town showed me his Lonely Planet Russian phrasebook recently.

My Russian is pretty shitty, but even I knew that the phrase "I won't have sex without protection" had in the book been rendered into Russian as "I won't have sex without a security guard."

Wasn't there a scene like that in SHOWGIRLS, by the way?

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Auschlander, Raus!!

Wow. The Exile, the long-standing Moscow-based alternative newspaper, has taken off and moved to Panama, in the face of an "unplanned audit" from the Russian government.

They feared prosecution regarding articles critical of the government, but I suspect their reason is more simply summarized in this quote from the first article on the new server:

"Fact is, Russia just ain’t fun anymore. We’re bored of all the overpriced low-quality nonsense that governs every aspect of that birch-infested bog."

The whole raison detre of expatriate life in Russia -- cheap booze and hookers, and local women who slavishly worship foreigners -- pretty much don't exist anymore.

Well, not that hookers are THAT expensive, but, you know. No bargain.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

The Three H's of Life in Russia, 2008

Another Instant Message Conversation:

[7/7/2008 1:53:48 PM] English Teacher X says: (English Teacher M) got beat up again, on Saturday night

[7/7/2008 1:55:39 PM] Ksenia says: poor (English Teacher M)
[7/7/2008 1:55:47 PM] Ksenia says: what is the reason this time?

[7/7/2008 1:56:02 PM] English Teacher X says: they were just walking down the street, going home
[7/7/2008 1:56:05 PM] English Teacher X says: 1:30am or so
[7/7/2008 1:56:13 PM] English Teacher X says: in the dark side street on Sovietsky army where they live

[7/7/2008 1:56:15 PM] Ksenia says: and speaking English loudly

[7/7/2008 1:56:19 PM] English Teacher X says: yep
[7/7/2008 1:56:28 PM] English Teacher X says: and two guys came up and asked them if they were American
[7/7/2008 1:56:51 PM] English Teacher X says: and they answered they were from Canada, as I taught them, and one guy then punched (English Teacher M) in the mouth twice
[7/7/2008 1:57:10 PM] English Teacher X says: and he gave them the bag with two frozen pizzas and two beers he was carrying and they ran away.

[7/7/2008 1:57:34 PM] Ksenia says: ..speechless...

[7/7/2008 1:58:11 PM] English Teacher X says: between the hostile men and the heartless women and the high cost of living, it's getting harder and harder to justify my presence here.

[7/7/2008 2:00:18 PM] Ksenia says: I decided not to mention that although my first desire was to write smth like - and why do you still stay at this place

[7/7/2008 2:00:45 PM] English Teacher X says: mostly professional reasons, strangely enough
[7/7/2008 2:01:57 PM] English Teacher X says: and of course, the cat. . .
[7/7/2008 2:03:53 PM] English Teacher X says: and of least it isn't dull. "Against boredom even the gods contend in vain." -- Freidrich Neitzsche

[7/7/2008 2:06:46 PM] Ksenia says: )))

Thursday, July 03, 2008

What If. . .

"If you could have any super-power, such as flight, invisibility or super-strength, which super-power would it be?"

This is a question which came from a list of them on a second conditional grammar activity I saw in some book years ago.

I've found it to be a useful psychological test. Most Russian girls say "the power to read people's thoughts." This indicates a conniving and dishonest personality.

I personally would choose to fly, mostly because it would be the most fun for its own sake. I suggest this indicates an escapist type personality, although some have suggested it might indicate extreme arrogance.

Teleportation indicates a practical personality, while invisibility indicates either extreme shyness or nosiness. Wishing for super strength indicates aggression and the underlying insecurity which births it. The ability to travel through time indicates a regretful personality who wishes to go back and undo their past fuckups.

Then there are the wild card entries.

My last girlfriend said, "a machine that prints money."

You wouldn't even make a joke with so obvious a punchline. I guess that's why she isn't my girlfriend anymore.

The girl who I was talking with in the last post on ICQ -- friend of my last girlfriend -- wished for the power to burn things with her eyes.

In which case I would have been seared to ashes last year sometime, along with much of the rest of the city.

Strangely, I've never heard anyone wish for a non-stop erection or the ability to communicate with animals.