Thursday, July 30, 2009


God, Russian chicks and their love of photography. Ask any Russian girl (any half-way decent looking Russian girl, I should say, which I must admit, is most of them) if she has any pictures of herself, and she will almost certainly have hundreds, most in terribly unsubtle poses.

Any Russian girl returning from a holiday near a beach will probably have a few hundred shots of herself preening in a bikini; even fairly decent-minded Russian girls (which I must admit, is not many of them) will start taking off their tops and making out with other girls. A walk in the park or near the beach on any nice day will see dozens of Russian girls posturing and pouting for the camera in front of the water or the foliage.

A lot of the Russian girls I know use pictures of themselves as screensavers on their computers and telephones. I remember visiting one of my female acquaintances after she'd been having a little "girl party" and she showed me dozens of pictures of them all posing in their underwear.

"Gosh, that's what guys always like to imagine girls do at girl parties," I said. "Who would have actually thought it was true though?"

As far as sins go, however, I suppose that's not even close to being the worst one.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Avarice and Gluttony

It occurs to me that I posted THESE PICTURES without telling the story behind them.

So English Teacher M and I were cruising around the cafes on the riverside embankment; there were a pair of slightly-gnarly looking blonde identical twins, in their mid-twenties perhaps but as usual with Russian chicks looking much older, and particularly so in this case as their skin was sun-damaged beyond belief or repair. They were sitting with a couple of fat even older women.

They were attractive in that beer-goggle, dolled-up Russian girl way, however, and had well-displayed breasts, and we'd had five or six beers already, so English Teacher M made his move and joined their table, and I was also invited to join.

We sat with them for a few hours, buying them copious amounts of beer. I can't remember what we talked about, the usual nonsense. They worked at an auto dealership and weren't married, but I suspected some bad-ass "sponsors" existed somewhere. They looked like real old-school gangster molls.

There was some dancing, but not nearly enough groping to make it very worthwhile; in fact when I asked for one of the blonde girl's phone number, she said she would take mine instead and call me.

Now fun is fun, and we certainly don't begrudge the local trollops the price of a beer or six.

But then they -- all four of them -- ordered shashleek. That's Russian barbecue, and is not cheap at 250 rubles per plate. (About $7 at the current exchange rate.)

English Teacher M balked, ostensibly because of the poor quality of the shashleek at the cafes; he warned them of the dangers of undercooked pork. "Fuck, I don't wanna pay for these bitches to stuff themselves with pig," he muttered in English to me out of the corner of his mouth.

I could see that he'd also received a text message from one of his fuck buddies and was formulating an escape plan.

I decided to be the bold man of action that I am, and got up without saying goodbye and left.

A few hundred yards down the embankment, my phone rang. "Where the fuck did you go! They already ordered the foood." I could tell he was putting it on for the girls.

"Yeah, I did a runner. If you're wise you'll do the same."

"Uh. . ."

"Yeah, just say you're going to the toilet or something and split. What, are they going to chase you?"

"Good idea," he said and hung up.

As it happened I ran into another girl I knew, down the embankment a ways, and the night even had a more-or-less happy ending, although such happy endings after 12 beers or so are never quite THAT happy, at least not in a guy recently turned forty.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Envy and Wrath

My social life, such as it is, has degraded to the point of waiting for different girls I know to call me because they've had fights with their boyfriends or husbands.

I had gone out the night before with one girl I know, whose husband had recently tossed her out (after 8 months of marriage) after a vicious fight with her in-laws. We'd gotten wasted on tequilla and gone to a nightclub: the next day, we were sitting around a beach cafe drinking beer and nursing our hangovers.

While she was in the toilet, I wanly decided to send an email message to another girl I knew. She'd had a fight with her fiancee a few weeks before, and we'd had a long night, she and I and one of her blonde friends, that involved a lot of vodka and redbull, a trip to the sauna, and a sushi breakfast.

I sent the following message:

Russian girls are like the sunshine. Warm and beautiful, and a potential source of burns and cancer.

A few seconds later the phone was ringing.

It was the fiancee, screaming threats.

I gave the telephone to the girl I was sitting with.

"Pretend like he's your husband," I said. "And you're having a fight."

Unfortunately the phone battery died before we got very far into the experiment.

(That's a picture of the inside of the toilet door at the nightclub near my apartment. Kind looks like one of the pylons from LAND OF THE LOST, doesn't it?)

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Now That's What I Call Brazen

Here's one of those Russian girl things that particularly annoys me:

You take a girl out on a date, buy her $30 or $40 worth of sushi and martini, and the date then ends with. . .

her calling some other guy she knows with a car to come get her.

Sometimes they're more or less subtle about it; saying that she'll go around the corner and get a car by herself -- patently false because otherwise she'd expect you to pay -- or maybe just that she has some "friends" in the area who she needs to see.

This has happened to me twice this week. As an old Russia hand it has ceased to surprise or shock me, but I still can't help but shake my head in wonderment.

Sometimes this even happens AFTER they come to your apartment and have sex with you.

Brazen, I say. Brazen.

One of my colleagues even had a girl have her new boyfriend drive her over to his house to pick up some stuff she'd left there.

I suppose, to be fair, taking taxis can be dangerous and all, and public transport too.

So can dating Russian chicks. . . got a death threat last week too. More on that in the next entry.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

A Beach Discussion

Geez that makes my eyes hurt, too. I'll work on it. Click on it, it blows up and you can see it better.

Monday, July 13, 2009

And I Bet Their Boyfriends Threatened Him Afterwards, Too

From the British tabloid, THE SUN:

Diplomat ‘blackmailed by Russians’


Published: 11 Jul 2009

SHAMED British diplomat James Hudson may have been targeted for blackmail by Russian spy agencies, it was hinted last night.

The podgy envoy, who quit in disgrace after being filmed having sex with two hookers, could have been the victim of an elaborate plot by Moscow’s intelligence services.

Speculation was growing that the Russians tried to use the sleazy video to “persuade” Hudson, 37, to work for them — but that he refused and owned up to his UK Government seniors instead.

One security source said: “It is possible that, having been caught, Hudson refused blackmail attempts by the Russians which would have amounted to treachery on his part.

“He may then have admitted his misjudgment to his bosses, being allowed to resign without disciplinary action.”

The film showed Hudson — British Deputy Consul General in the Urals city of Ekaterinburg — romping with two blondes in a brothel.

And the mystery over the video deepened after it emerged it had been posted on the internet for a MONTH without identifying him. He only resigned on the day someone who knew his status offered the story to Russian tabloid Moskovsky Komsomolets.

Denis Tokarsky, who runs the Urals edition, said: “A source offers me information from time to time, and on this occasion it was about British diplomat James Hudson. Nobody made me publish it.”

It is not believed Hudson had access to any high-grade secret information so his value to the Russians would have been minimal anyway.

Russian intelligence agency the FSB had no comment but local cops have suggested Hudson might have been blackmailed by criminals trying to extort cash or UK visas. He has gone into hiding since quitting the Foreign Office.

His visibly upset mother Kathleen said at the family home in Poplar, East London: “I haven’t seen or heard anything from James. I don’t know where he is.”

Hudson’s ex-wife Sally told yesterday’s Sun she was revolted by his antics and glad she divorced him in 1997.

* * *

Man, why don't they try that on me? I'll give 'em whatever they want.

I'll leave you to your own devices in finding the video. The hookers look okay, I wonder what he paid for them, or maybe their fee was included with the blackmail money. . .

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Some Reviews of Movies Concerning Russia or Russians

Eastern Promises -- Viggo Mortensen plays a mysterious thug working with a white-slave type ring of Russian gangsters in London and getting involved with a hot blonde English doctor and the abandoned child of one of the prostitutes.

This is a cool movie, and Viggo gets the inscrutible bad-ass Putin imitation down pretty well. And they obviously had advisors about the tattoos and the "Vor V Zakone" old school gangster stuff. Also loved the fight scene in the banya -- that's just the shitty kind of thing Russians would do, jumping you when you're relaxing naked.

They blew a couple of small things however -- a guy like the one Mortensen is playing probably would wear a cropped or shaved head rather than the slicked-back pompodour; and I've been told that those old school gangsters in fact had a rule about never wearing ties. And there's a scene where a guy is drinking vodka out of the bottle, without a shotglass or pickles. Wouldn't happen.

All the white-slave prostitute stuff sounded about right. (Lured with promises, rather than just stuffed in a box, as too many movies would have you believe.)

BIRTHDAY GIRL -- Guy sends off for a Russian mail-order bride and ends up involved in a bank robbery scheme when the girl's Russian "cousins" come to town. This was better than I thought it would be, and Nicole Kidman really nailed the pale, anemic, dead-eyed tawdry sexiness of a Russian girl pretty well. Vincent Cassel is also suitably overbearing, unctuous, violent and threatening as a Russian hood.

A few questions come to mind about how she -- and her cousins -- managed to get visas to go to England so easily, however. Normally he'd have to go see her in Mosocow or wherever.

As for the "happy" ending -- well, without spoiling much, let's just say his troubles might just be beginning, hooked up with a chick like this.

HITMAN -- Video game chraracter Agent 47, gets mixed up in plot to assassinate the "moderate" Russian president and a conspiracy that, coincidentally, involves a Russian hooker. (I'm glad these movies are being accurate about the profession of every single Russian woman on the planet.) The hooker is played by Olga Kurylenko, who is in fact Ukrainian, however, and invests the prostitute with far too much humanity to be an accurate portrayal. She looks pretty awesome naked, though, I must say.

I liked the way the President of Russia's brother was a drug-dealing long-haired slave-trader, although he and his henchmen seemed too Eurotrashy and long-haired to be good Russian thugs. (Not a track-suit in sight.) The KGB -- oh, sorry, I mean FSB -- agent was the usual guy doing a German imitation, however.

Of course, if you wanted to train a bunch of ghost-like inconspicuous international assassins, why you would shave their heads and tattoo a barcode on the back of it is beyond me. . . and why a barcode, anyway? Did they have to scan their heads occasionally to ascertain prices or something? Well, what can you expect from a secret organization that just calls itself "The Organization" . . .

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

All Heart

A recent instant message conversation relating to renting a boat for my going away party, with a former girlfriend.

[6/25/2009 11:43:47 AM] Olga says:

[6/25/2009 11:44:20 AM] Olga says:

[6/25/2009 11:44:36 AM] English Teacher X says: think the prices are the same?

[6/25/2009 11:45:40 AM] Olga says: yeah

[6/25/2009 11:45:53 AM] English Teacher X says: there are some boats on here with 2000 rubles for up to 15 people

[6/25/2009 11:46:05 AM] English Teacher X says: but of course if you call, they will say, "Oh, no, now it costs 3500"

[6/25/2009 11:48:28 AM] English Teacher X says: i invited my old girlfriend who lives in Kazakhstan, and her only response was to post a bunch of pictures of her and her new boyfriend on vkontakte. (Ed. note: Vkontakte is the Russian version of Facebook.)

[6/25/2009 11:48:34 AM] English Teacher X says: you girls are all heart, you know it?

[6/25/2009 11:49:20 AM] Olga says: we all what?

[6/25/2009 11:49:28 AM] Olga says: yeah, that was rude of her!
(Ed. note: Olga announced to me she was going to marry her new boyfriend about a week before my 40th birthday)

[6/25/2009 11:49:36 AM] English Teacher X says: you are "all heart"

[6/25/2009 11:49:51 AM] Olga says: and what does it mean?

[6/25/2009 11:50:01 AM] English Teacher X says: can't you see the sense of it?
[6/25/2009 11:50:07 AM] English Teacher X says: you are one big heart

[6/25/2009 11:50:11 AM] Olga says: only posittive

[6/25/2009 11:50:23 AM] English Teacher X says: i am being sarcastic, you see. . .
[6/25/2009 11:50:30 AM] English Teacher X says: because we all know, Russian women don't have hearts
[6/25/2009 11:50:34 AM] English Teacher X says: only big Gucci purses

[6/25/2009 11:51:31 AM] Olga says: Lui Vouiton to be more specific

[6/25/2009 11:52:18 AM] English Teacher X says: you know, i find myself wanting to become very wealthy and famous
[6/25/2009 11:52:26 AM] English Teacher X says: not because I would enjoy it
[6/25/2009 11:52:36 AM] English Teacher X says: but only to make all my ex-girlfriends angry