Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Thanksgiving Porno Story

A little more Retro X for you. Obviously, the first comment would be that it DIDN'T happen on Thanksgiving day, 2004, because that would have been a Thursday, and we were working. It happened on the Sunday after.

We tried to celebrate all Western holidays in as stereotypically a way as possible -- Thanksgiving, Christmas, Halloween, Easter -- in those innocent days before fast Internet. The mere fact that we were watching video cassettes and not DVDs should tell you something.  

As a side note -- somebody once asked why all the English teacher icon/hommunculous figures were always frowning. This person missed the point entirely -- the frown indicates a bad hangover.

Monday, November 01, 2010

Sunday Bloody Sunday

In honor of Halloween -- the bloodiest English teacher story of them all. This happened in 2004 (if I remember correctly) back in Vodkaberg, Russia.

I do regret that I am partially responsible for English Teacher R severing a major artery. . .

This happened during a long holiday weekend.

On Sunday ETR’s wife and English Teacher R moved into a new flat, and they decided to invite everyone over for a house warming. This was a slightly standoffish gathering where the foreigners were on one side and ETR’s wife’s friends were on another. A few games of Twister were played, a lot of Ukrainian pepper vodka was drunk, and things lightened up considerably.

Except of course for English Teacher R. As usual he crash-landed his spaceship on the Blackedout side of the moon, and become belligerent. I’m not sure what he was arguing with his wife about – but he apparently decided he was going to leave at one point. I think he said something about getting on the next train. ETR’s wife hid one of his shoes so he couldn’t go, so he flew into a rage and ordered everyone out of his house at once.

It was after 2:00am at this point so I was happy to go; I’ve had more than enough English Teacher R v. his wife deathmatches to last me a lifetime.

“You too, you simple bitch! Get out!” he roared at his wife. “But not you,” he said to African Student S. “You stay.”

I was lacing my shoes up and said something idly to ETR’s wife along the lines of “You ought to pepper spray him when he gets like that,”

I was joking.

I saw her eyes light up and she rushed to the other room.

Somehow I thought she’d just threaten him.

I rushed out with English Groupie K close behind – I saw them all on the balcony crying, but had no intention of sticking around to see how it played out.

“Too bad,” said English Groupie K. “It was a nice evening before that.”

“They always do that, don’t worry.” I said.

The next day English Teacher M called me and asked if English Teacher R was all right.

“I assume so. Why?”

“I heard glass breaking when I was going out. He looked to be punching his way out of the balcony.”

“Uh oh.”

I called English Teacher R and said, “Hey what’s up?”

“You ASSHOLE! Why did you leave? I ALMOST DIED!”

“Well, I didn’t know you were going to die. I left because you told me to leave. What happened?”

“I severed an artery in my arm and almost died! The paramedics said another ten minutes and I would have been dead! I passed out from blood loss! I had to be resuscitated.”

“Oh dear. Did your wife pepper-spray you?”

“Yeah, and I fell into the window! Jesus Christ, you’ve never seen so much blood. It was fucking. . . just fucking EVERYWHERE.”

“Wow. Yeah, I’ve heard severed arteries are pretty spectacular. Okay now?”

“No I’m not okay! I have ten stitches in my arm! It looks like a dinosaur bit me!”

“You fell into a window? Or you punched it?”

“I don’t remember.”

“What are you doing now.”

“Getting drunk. Today is my wife’s birthday.”

The next day was quiet -- I went to the gym with English Teacher A, and then went home to watch DVD's.

I got a call later from ETR and his wife. In the evening, they came over hand in hand to borrow some DVDs to watch. Surprisingly they chose EVIL DEAD 2.

"Crap, you'd think you too would have seen enough blood this weekend," I offered.

ETR shrugged. They were as placid and calm as if they’d spent the previous day at the flea market shopping for antique spoons.

Must be love, eh?

* * *

(Their marriage lasted about 2 years, although I don't think even now they are legally divorced -- his wife lives in America and English Teacher R was last seen in Bulgaria.)