Tuesday, November 29, 2011

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Here are some pictures I found on my camera from this August:

My girlfriend trying on shoes
This is a sign at a bus-stop in Vodkaberg -- loosely translated as "ENOUGH DRUNKENNESS!"

Saturday, November 26, 2011

A Conversation About Cloning

So you see, English teachers don't just talk about banging students and vomitting! Important issues of the day are occasionally addressed!

Friday, November 18, 2011

The Inevitable Results of Too Much Fornicating

As I see it there are basically only three possible results of that lifestyle:

1) Early death -- not so much from the fornicating (although that can happen, ask Easy-E) as from the drugs and alcohol that are almost always necessary to fuel your enthusiasm for it

2) You get tired of fornicating -- usually that's followed by getting married, but not always -- perhaps you could, like Augustine, become a great philosopher and theologian. ("God grant me chastity and continence, but not yet," is a quote attributed to him.)

3) You knock somebody up and have to get married -- probably the most regrettable of the results. I've seen WAY too many English teachers end up in this boat. You'd think people never took a basic biology class. Although, of course, being married with a child or two doesn't prevent random fornicating, so then you lead back up to the first two choices.

I'm curious about the second issue -- whether that's actually an issue of aging and your testosterone levels going down, or it's something that just happens to everybody. You look at rock stars and movie stars, who are usually champion fornicators, and you still see a lot of marriage (albeit often repeated and unsuccesful ones.) You rock on there, George Clooney!

I remember having a discussion with a couple of Mormon kids who ended up in Vodkaberg on one of their missionary programs, back in 2004. They were taking advantage of the time to act up a bit, drinking absinthe and going out with the English teachers.

One of them was a very good-looking young dude, with a cleft in his chin, and he'd nailed 3 or 4 girls in a couple of weeks; he was saying it wasn't nearly as satisfying as he'd always thought it would be.

I postulated that it was perhaps an issue of numbers; that everybody had some number in their head, beyond which the fornicating simply wasn't that big a deal. And if it's not that big a deal, than so what?

So the question is, what's your number? If your number is 50, and you get married after you had sex with 30 partners, you'll always be miserable, dreaming of those next 20.

Conversely, if your number was 50, and you're banging number 78, you're probably not going to give a shit, so there's not much happiness there, either.

I mean let's face it -- you want to bang loads of girls, it's not that hard. If nothing else you can go to Amsterdam, Eastern Europe, or Thailand, for the investment of considerably less than the price of a used car, you could bang hundreds of girls who look like Maxim models.

Even the most die-hard of whoremongers tend not to keep that stuff up for too long. I knew plenty, and most of them ended up married.

It's a question of knowing your number.

You get guys like Gene Simmons who claim to have bedded 4600 women -- there's the impression of joyless obsessive-compulsion there, certainly. Like masturbating -- a momentary spasm. Does Gene Simmons remember 2961 or 3872 with pleasure and fondness? Even allowing that he's pretty smart and speaks four languages, I doubt he does.

(Now, I direct you back to this cartoon and subsequent blog post -- this is not solely directed at men. Remember that AMERICAN PIE joke that men tend to multiply their number of sex partners by three, while women tend to divide that number by three.)

Sunday, November 13, 2011

The Third Book

One of the most painful aspects of any TEFL job (except of course for the low salaries, terrible prospects, and awful hours) is getting the students to speak.

Far too many teachers exhaust themselves trying to entertain and motivate and gently coax English out of surly, exhausted, or shy students - but yet again English Teacher X, with more than 15 years experience at some of the worst language schools in the world, is here to help.

Here is a book full of clear, succint, and superbly effective ways to give your students virtually NO CHOICE but to produce HUGE AMOUNTS of English in a variety of classroom situations, with little or no preparation, all presented with English Teacher X's usual mordant insight and cynical irreverence.

From large classes to individuals, from beginners to advanced classes, English Teacher X provides you with a comprehensive set of activities, strategies, and tricks to help you deal with even the most uncommunicative and recalcitrant of students.



* * *

Okay, so that's the official ad copy, but what the hell is this? English Teacher X devoting his time and energy to writing about speaking activities, when he could be practicing stick fighting or watching porn?

Well, not exactly. Let me explain.


Basically it's revised and edited stuff that I wrote when I was Director of Studies in Vodkaberg. So it'll be new material to you, unless you're one of the dozen or so people who worked in Vodkaberg at that time.

In the book you can find advice for how to make students speak more in the course of usual activities, short and simple pairwork activities, and some lessons plans - including lists of questions - showing how to deal with individual students and advanced classes.

I threw in plenty of jokes, although of course a book about speaking activities probably isn't ever going to be as funny as a book about hookers and stuff. But it will actually be useful...