Monday, April 23, 2012

Blame it on Rio

I went to Bahrain last weekend, to meet with a guy I used to work with in Russia.

There were big protests on the other side of the city, around the Formula One race they were having; over in my hotel in the Gold Souq, however, we just watched the protests on the TV in the bar.

Bahrain is a bit seedy at the best of times, but the whores seemed particularly fat, sad, and ugly this time around. I'm sure the good ones flew away to greener pastures. It's a bad time to be a whore in Bahrain, no doubt. There's very little traffic across the causeway these days, whereas a few years ago, it was a bumper-to-bumper clusterfuck.

We wandered through the scores of mottle-faced Asian hookers and grungy bloated expats at Digger's, but left quickly, terrified by the specter of our possible futures.

We ran the gamut of full-bodied Ethiopian booty queens in our hotel bar, and even wandered up to a "Russian show" in a hotel where four Siberian single moms in snake-skin bodysuits sang and danced for the two of us, as we were the only ones in the room. We got embarrassed and left after our beer, though we did request "Ya Sahla C'yma:" by Tatu in memory of livelier and more hopeful times for all of us.

The next day, we were having lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe (as you do, in Manama) and Duran Duran's RIO video came on the TV.

"If you ask me about some formative influences in my life, I'd have to say that Duran Duran RIO is probably one of the most important," I said.


"Yeah, I remember watching that as a kid and thinking I wanted to be there, on that beach -- I don't even know which beach that is -- just on any tropical beach, on a boat, doing stuff like that."

"You wanted to be a rock star?"

"No, I just wanted to be on the beach fucking around! And I did that, you know, I spent a shit-load of time fucking around on the beach. Phuket and Ko Samui, mainly . . ."

"Yet you ended up in frozen-ass Russia for nine years."

"Well . . . anyway, mission accomplished, as far as I'm concerned. Admittedly I'm not nearly as cool as Simon Le Bon."

"Nobody is."

I considered. "You know, back then, when I was kid, where I lived, you didn't even really MEET people who had travelled. Certainly nobody fucking backpacked. People went to Florida for a week. But then in college, I had a friend who did a year abroad in France, and she told me about backpacking. I did that and then after I went back to America I found some LONELY PLANET guidebook to India and Thailand in the library. Five dollars a day for a hotel? Sign me up! That die was cast."

And the world is no doubt richer for it.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Middle-Aged Girlfriend Tourism: or, La Dolce Vita!

So I took the Girlfriend to Rome for six days. No austerity riots to speak of, it all seemed pretty cheerful and orderly, with wealthy middle-aged Romans sharing space with wealthy middle-aged tourists from all over.

We stayed in a comfortable three-star hotel, as usual, and did all the usual tourist stuff. The Girlfriend is becoming a little more comfortable with restaurants in general and of course pizza and spaghetti are one international food that IS widely available in Russia so she at least knew what to expect. She dislikes expensive restaurants; her favorite place to eat was the buffet restaurant at Termini train station. (It is pretty good and cheap, actually.)

I visited Rome during my first backpacking tour, TWENTY FUCKING YEARS ago in 1992, when I was a moody 23-year-old kid with a ponytail. I remember it being more polluted then, and remember being annoyed by an obnoxious Canadian couple who insisted on accompanying me everywhere I went. I actually tried to lose them in the Vatican Museum but they waited for me outside.

Although there were a lot of them in those days, too, backpackers were a more visible lot. Now pretty much everybody wears shorts and carries backpacks.

I also remember there being a lot of porno mags available at all the newstands, which I didn't see this time.

La dolce vita!

Middle-aged tourism with a girlfriend is okay, especially when you're actually middle-aged. (Sometimes I'd see a school group of teenage girls wandering by and I'd have the fleeting evil thought, but it's more of a nostalgic evil thought, rather than an urge, these days.) We were in bed by eleven, most nights.

Sight-seeing holidays tend to be a little more difficult than beach holidays because the Girlfriend always gets dehydrated; she won't drink enough water because she refuses to use pubic toilets in general, that's how feminine she is.

I liked the way Rome hid its McDonald's and chain clothing outlets behind historic facades. That's definitely the way to do it.

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Some Advice for the Modern Sex Tourist

Okay, I think I got kicked out of that Pickup Artist / Penisphere / He Man Woman Haters Club, but I still occasionally get these emails asking, "Do you think it's still possible for me to go abroad and get laid a lot?"

First of all -- anybody can bang as many foreign women as they want, in whatever country they happen to live in.

They're called hookers. They've been around since the dawn of humanity, and in my opinion are a great way for you to see if you REALLY want to live a lifestyle built solely around casual fornication. I've seen plenty of divorced / starting fresh guys who get to the cruddy shithole of their choice and find it to be a miserable and depressing experience.

So my advice: go bang a few good-looking foreign hookers first, see how you feel. Go to Vegas or Amsterdam and fuck away!

Believe me, it will be cheaper than starting anew in some other country, and probably more enjoyable than whatever drunk single mom you manage to drag home from the nightclub in Crapistan.

Many are called, few are chosen!

I clearly laid out numerous reasons why sex tourism isn't what it used to be, in my last book HOW TO SURVIVE LIVING ABROAD, and in this aritcle GREED IS GOOD 

So if you've absorbed all this -- take some specific advice from a seasoned veteran.

Most importantly -- find someplace you HAVEN'T heard a lot of people talking about on the internet.

Russia, Ukraine, Brazil, Thailand -- they're big countries, and undoubtedly full of beautiful women, but if you're really looking for a skewed playing field, you're going to have to find a new place.  Those places are done, used up like your drunk sorority girl sister at 3 a.m. after the gang bang.

Now I realize I'm breaking my own rule here, simply by mentioning them -- but let me suggest a few you rarely hear anything about:

Moldova -- poorest country in Europe.  Maybe they're desperate enough even for your sorry ass!

Ethiopia / The Sudan -- mass starvation = easy lays! And you KNOW they're skinny!

Georgia in the FSU -- like half the men got killed by the Russians during the 90s and early 00s. Gender imbalance is your best friend! And what's a mustache or two, the women are HOT!

Mexico -- plenty of widows and orphans thanks to massacres by narcoterrorist drug gangs! Get in there quick before they emigrate to the US to work at Wal-Mart!

North Korea -- difficult to get in, okay, but talk about DESPERATE for foreign rod! Those chicks must be GAGGING for it! And soon to be gagging ON it! Maybe you could get a job with a humanitarian food agency, or the CIA!

Libya / Iraq  -- Overthrown dictators equals poon tang, baby! Find surviving female family members of executed political prisoners for a SURE thing!

Now of course -- dude, it's all about what I like to call "lifestyle sculpting."  You need to shape your life so that the endless obsessive thirst for foreign poon is the CENTER of your life, not the fucking vague outer boundaries.

English teaching? Scuba diving instructor? Boring. Dead end.

And again -- is it foreign poon you want, or somehow deluding yourself that poverty and squalor of life abroad is more "pure" and "real"? I thought so -- foreign snatch is all you want.

So -- my next bit of advice:

Get a job as a guard at a woman's prison, or with ICE at a detention center for illegal immigrants.

A fucking captive audience of foreign women, and you KNOW they'll be hungry for some cock after being detained indefinitely in accordance with Patriot Act regulations. The end of the Penis Famine is here, sweet thang, so you just slip out of that Department of Corrections orange jumpsuit and open wide!

Failing that -- here's the best idea:

Try to travel backwards in time about fifteen years.  

There's nothing in the law of physics preventing time travel, man. Think tachyons. Just like there's nothing in the laws of physics preventing you getting laid abroad.

Be careful out there guys. Good luck!

Sunday, April 01, 2012

ESL Schools Under Scrutiny for Human Trafficking??

I just posted this on Dave's ESL Cafe --

Oh wow! I just read this on the internet:

LYON, (AP) -- Interpol revealed today that numerous private international schools of English, known as TEFL or ESL schools, are under scrutiny for involvement in human trafficking.

"We see a very similar pattern to some of the criminal organizations that recruit domestics or constructions workers from poor countries," said an Interpol representative today. "Teachers go abroad and are promised many things, but given miserable living conditions and salaries that barely allow them to survive. Passports are occasionally taken away and the ESL teacher finds they are not legally employed. Stories of worse kinds of abuse are not unheard of."

"Often the schools themselves have no academic standards whatsoever," reported one source, a 35-year-old American who claimed himself to have been trafficked by an ESL school and wishes to remain unnamed. "They are simply mills to take money from students, and often tax dodges or money laundries at that. The teacher is a disposable resource, and often threatened and bullied. Physical harm is not unheard of."

Prosecution for human trafficking can be difficult due to jurisdictional disputes, but Interpol says it is seeking cooperation from all countries to help control human trafficking in ESL, which they estimate affects tens of thousands of victims every year and produces profits in the billions.

You can read the full story here!

Wow! This could be the start of a new era in TEFL!