Time for the Big Halloween Giveaway!

Happy Halloween, boys and ghouls!

For your sins, here is a new edition of HOW TO SURVIVE LIVING ABROAD, with five contributions from readers and bloggers about the dark side of life abroad, FREE ON SMASHWORDS  and 99 CENTS ON AMAZON. A great entry point to the bleak world of ETX, if you haven't read it.

And then I offer you this particularly Halloween-y treat, from one of the other facets of my multi-headed e-book empire:

WRATH OF THE PUMPKIN GOD by Arvin Stevens, now also available FREE on Amazon.

"Halloween. October 31st, 1986: A hideous evil is lurking in America's heartland... and the Paranormal Activities Control Squad is powerless to stop it. 

It started as a simple mission: investigate a war between a werewolf biker gang and a cult of voodoo zombie drug dealers. Child's play for the rough-and-tumble psychics and hardcases from the PAC Squad. 

But when several members of the PAC Squad find themselves captives of a crazed zealot, an ancient and unstoppable monstrosity, a true Halloween terror, is unleashed upon the parched earth... and even telekinesis and high-explosive rounds might not be able to stop it. 

This is #7 in the electrifyingly satirical and ludicrous adventures of the PAC Squad. Look for other stories on Amazon."

As mentioned, in the early 90s, English Teacher Q and I (in between bouts of massive amounts of LSD and alcohol abuse) wrote this series of stories about a group of bungling government agents who battled paranormal menaces. (Imagine SOUTH PARK or TEAM AMERICA mixed with X-FILES and BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, although it was a bit before any of that stuff came out. We were a big fan of 70s / 80s numbered action novels like THE DEATH MERCHANT, REMO WILLIAMS and so forth, and those were big influences. The first book of the REMO WILLIAMS series is also free as an ebook on Amazon. More free stuff, and you didn't even have to say Trick or Treat.)

This is # 7 in the PAC Squad series, but they don't particularly need to be read in order, and in fact I haven't even posted all the numbers in the series. Part of my intensely "meta" in-joke.

This was our pumpkin last year when I was in America.

So Happy Halloween! I'm going to Dubai for the weekend to spend Halloween with Crazy Bob and Chuck and maybe I'll get some pictures of sexy Lebanese babes in cat costumes or whatever.

And when I get back, I will reveal the OTHER head of my e-book empire and its sudden tremendous rise ... and recent terrible terrible fall.

Finally, thanks to YouTube, home of the freebie, I offer you some fun Halloween viewing.

The Essence of Story (Or: Why So Negative?)

This is a vague and piddly topic for a blog entry, perhaps, but it's been on my mind.

So I know, I'm kind of negative, in the general cosmic sense.

But there's also some bit of method to it, I have to say.

See, positivity is kind of boring, dramatically speaking.

What Makes An Interesting Story 

Scanning some travel-and-sex blogs recently, I got to thinking about what makes an interesting blog entry, and what makes an interesting story.

I think of a certain colleague who was known for being a bore with his drunken rambling stories; while the stuff of his stories on the surface might seem interesting -- fucking, travel, fighting, meeting famous people -- they completely lacked any drama; they were just (in most cases scarcely believable) bits of information designed to show how awesome he was.

It comes down to information content versus entertainment content, i think.

"Five Ways to Do Whatever" posts are incredibly popular and occasionally interesting, but they're just information.

To tell an actual story, you pretty much need a dramatic arc: set up the situation, establish a conflict of some sort, there's a climax where it all comes to a head, and then there's the aftermath of what happened. That's entertainment. The conflict, that's the important part. But a lot of blogs these days seem to focus more on informational content, and that's why I generally don't find them very interesting.

I get accused of focusing on the negative, but I think it's the drama of the conflict I'm mostly focusing on. Now, the conflict can take many forms -- the traditional conflicts were man vs. man, man vs. nature and man vs. himself -- but you can also have conflicts with expectations.

Let's Look At Some Examples:

• "I fucked a girl last night." Basically just informational content, mainly serving to impress. You and half the planet, buddy.

• "I fucked two girls last night." Informational content DEFINITELY trying to impress, although it does mess with our expectations a little. A little.

• "I fucked a girl last night and she had big tits and her ass tasted like blueberry waffles." -- Okay, now we're getting warmer -- the informational content is sufficiently intriguing that we want more information. Her ass tasted like blueberry waffles? Holy shit, that's unusual! It conflicts our expectations quite a bit.

• "I fucked a girl last night using the Scorched Earth approach and the Delineated Marigold Escalating Conversation technique."  -- Now this is pure informational content, but it's very specialized and technical and greatly of interest to certain folks. And completely lacking in interest to others. (Yes, I made those up.) 

• "I fucked a girl last night and she pissed, shit and vomited all over the place." -- Here we see the dramatic arc. We've established the characters and a conflict, mainly a conflict between expected pleasure and the unexpected unpleasantness of bodily fluids. Describe the clean-up, and you've got a story! Guys have made whole careers out of that story. (Yeah, and he doesn't need a link to it, he's made his money. We all heard some variation of it a dozen times in college, but he's the one who wrote it down, so props to him.) 

• "I fucked a girl last night, and then I left without saying goodbye, but then I fell in love with her and went looking for her, and after many humorous incidents, we married." -- The Romantic Comedy version.

• "I fucked a girl last night all the while supporting myself off of automated internet businesses, and for $12.00 you can buy my e-book explaining how to do that!" -- Neither informational nor entertainment, it's advertising. 

That's the problem with being an indie author -- we have to sell that shit as well, and self-promotion and advertising begins to consume all the communication that you do. (We are a Nation of Whores, we e-book authors. We become that which we despise, rather than running from it ... )

Of course, my bread and butter is telling people what they DON'T want to hear; you can usually make a few bucks doing that, also.

Anyway, there you go. A short blog entry of purely informational content.

The Libyan Gambit

Here's an IM conversation with a colleague who recently spent a bit of time working in Libya. An action-packed tale of international adventure and intrigue, as usual.

English Teacher X:

how's the Libyan experience?
you get a holiday next week?

English Teacher M:

I left, couldnt stand the job

English Teacher X:

this one is pretty bad too
but so far we haven't done much yet
the real shit comes down in November

English Teacher M:

i was having to try to teach libyan first graders witn no english

English Teacher X :

we have students who actively refuse to do anything in class, but we're not really allowed to fail them
gee that does sound fun!

English Teacher M:

how old are they?

English Teacher X:
adults
18 - 50
they're employees here, they have to study for job training points, but they can't really lose their jobs or anything
they really hate it
most of them are welders and shit anyway, don't need to use english
where you at now?

English Teacher M:

back in the states, prob going back to iraq in november

English Teacher X:

they were recruiting like mad for this place, but now it seems they have far fewer students in november than they were planning for expecting 2000, got about 1200
there are something like 150 teachers here at the moment

English Teacher M:

damn
are they gonna get rid of some?

English Teacher X:

they were trying to make a night shift, but all the students refused it
i don't know what will happen, actually
if they offered me redundancy I'd certainly take it

English Teacher M:

money not worth it?

English Teacher X:

well, just barely
$7000 a month after accomodation expenses
but we sit around that fucking office 7:30 am to 3:30pm
not really allowed to leave
although we sometimes do

English Teacher M:

I would have made about $3600 in Libya, which is as good as it gets outside the gulf

English Teacher X:

they gave us fire and safety training last week, which I guess was kind of cool
I'm going to visit (Crazy Bob) and (Chuck) in the Emirates next week

English Teacher M:

I can prob make that in Iraq though if I pick up some extra classes at the uni

English Teacher X:

how long did you stay in Libya?

English Teacher M:

2 weeks
the whole thing was a shit show from start to finish
luggage lost en route from the US, still dont have it back

English Teacher X:

in Tripoli?

English Teacher M:

no one picked me up from airport
yeah tripoli

English Teacher X:

shit, the rebels probably got it

English Teacher M:

it never made it to Istanbul
its prob sitting in nashville or DC
speaking of rebels, my house there was next to a militia HQ
a bunch of teens with guns

English Teacher X: 

eeh, just like home

English Teacher M: 

and truck mounted anti aircraft guns in the yard
they were friendly

English Teacher X:

we have security guards with a .50 but we debate whether it's operational

English Teacher M: 

but there was gunfire every night, didnt know if it was celebrating or battling

English Teacher X: 

hell, probably both

English Teacher M: 

and a Russian woman recentkl killed a libyan there

English Teacher X:

a Russian woman??
what was she doing there?

English Teacher M:

so the libyan embassy
yeah, weird story
apparently she was a russian powerlifter/gaaddafite
no idea what she was doing there
but the libyan's family attacked russian embassy

English Teacher X:

????? sounds like a bad guy from THE EXPENDABLES

(Editor's note: The incident in question is discussed in this news story. It seems that the Russian woman in question was a bit of a Qadaffi groupie.)

English Teacher M:

so a pro-govt militia had to rescue the embassy
and i just read the PM was briefly kidnapped by a group over anger at his supposed collaboration in the US arrest of the al qaeda dude
which happened the day I left, thank God

English Teacher X:

yeah, I saw that

English Teacher M:

or else I would have been ripe for a retaliatory kidnapping

English Teacher X:

were there other foreigners there?

English Teacher M:

quite a few
mostly embassy personnel

English Teacher X:

did you live in a compound?

English Teacher M:

no, just a big 3 story villa withh 4 roommates
all from the UK

English Teacher X:

they were teachers?

English Teacher M:

yep
no internet

English Teacher X:

so just two weeks and thank you very much, I'm outta here
or did they give you any money?

English Teacher M:

I got about $1600 from them

English Teacher X:

plus plane ticket and stuff?
that can't have been cheap

English Teacher M:

walking around money when I arrived, visa reimbursement, and I harassed them into giving me a week's pay before I fled
yeah ticket included
my first runner


English Teacher X:

oh, you didn't tell them you were going?

English Teacher M:

nope
I felt no obligation toward them

English Teacher X:

Ah, the never-ending fun of TEFL.
Mind if I use this as a blog post interview, with the names changed?

English Teacher M:
sure
sure
title: STAY THE FUCK OUT OF LIBYA

English Teacher X:

something like that.
I thought maybe "THE LIBYAN ESCAPE"



English Teacher M:

that'll work
I have to say though the Libyan people were pretty friendly
i never felt in danger

English Teacher X:

I'll be sure and include that fact

English Teacher M:

I could have put up with the craziness of the country if the job had been tolerable

English Teacher X:

teaching first graders is never fun. big classes I bet, too

English Teacher M:

not that big, about 10 in one and 15 in another
but they had no discipline

English Teacher X:

eesh, I bet

English Teacher M:

and no academic structure at all at the school
no one knew what they were doing
in administration

English Teacher X:

had it been an operational school already or was it a new deal?

English Teacher M:

the owner was a rich construction guy who decided to open a school
I know its been open for at least a year

English Teacher X:

private english classes or full curriculum?

English Teacher M:

full curriculum
if you can call ithat

English  Teacher X:

reading and riting and rithmatic

English Teacher M:

in reality it was just trying to keep them in their seats and open the book by the time the bell rang

English Teacher X:

about the same here

English Teacher M:

that was my experience with first grade, apparently the higher grades were better
planning any trips to Russia?

English Teacher X:

next summer
I won't stay more than one year in this job, unless things change drastically
only 9 more months on the contract

English Teacher M:

it's amazing how little hold money has in the face of a shit job
can't put a price on sanity I guess

English Teacher X:

well, I mean I saved a lot already from my last gig
this is just icing on the cake
money is always useful, but now I'm worried about everything else in my life except money

GRAMMAR SLAMMER Now Available

All right, here it is. My book about how to explain all the annoying grammar points that frequently come up in TEFL classes. 

Get it here for the Amazon Kindle -- FREE for the next five days. 

Get it here as a paperback at Amazon.

Get it here as a paperback at Createspace.

The blurb:

English Teacher X is back again, to apply his numerous years of hard-won experience (as well as his vicious cynicism and disturbed sense of humor) to one of the thorniest topics in the world of Teaching English as a Foreign Language:

GRAMMAR.

Grammar rules are of small help in learning to use a foreign language, but they are of great use in quieting anxious or know-it-all students who constantly challenge the teacher, as well as impressing bosses and managers and succeeding in job interviews for TEFL positions.

English Teacher X provides a thorough look at some of the most common grammar points which come up in TEFL classes, and gives clear and detailed explanations of them, in addition to dialogues explicitly showing how to present and practice the information in class.

Topics examined include:

PARTS OF SPEECH AND TERMINOLOGY

VERB TENSES

COMMONLY CONFUSED WORDS AND EXPRESSIONS

THINGS STUDENTS WILL TRY TO TEST YOU WITH

HOW TO PRACTICE ALL THIS STUFF

and many more.

WARNING! The book is filled with heaping helpings of English Teacher X's usual sarcasm, obscene language, and crude humor, as well as his notoriously nihilistic outlook on the profession of TEFL. Please don't buy it if that kind of thing offends you.

So do me a favor and drop me an e-mail if you see any particularly egregious typos or formatting errors, and of course if there's some bit of irritating grammar business I neglected to include.

Enjoy! And if you're not careful you just might learn something before it's done.

You Are Not a Unique Snowflake

"You are not special. You are not a unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else." - Tyler Durden in FIGHT CLUB

So I can, and will, bitch in great detail about this job, which in terms of hours, organization, materials, and student behavior is absolutely the worst I've ever had, but first let me talk about something here that has kind of intrigued me.

In a post-"Arab Sping" attempt to keep the kids off the street, the Kingdom has poured tons of money into job training and education; to that end, they've hired more than a hundred new TEFL teachers to work here at this posting.

The weird thing is how homogeneous we are, as a group.

I suppose I'm guilty of thinking I'm different than the average guy my age; certainly I use that as an excuse for my not ever attempting to have any kind of normal life or relationship.

But the guys surrounding me are in many cases so similar to me that we look like a bunch of imperfect clones, a small army of decent-looking, slim, short-haired white guys in their 40s, in good shape and looking a bit younger and with the ability to speak confidently about the vagaries of a life mostly spent abroad. The Bloated Whoremongers and the Crazy Old Guys are at a minimum here. (Although there are a few of them -- Bahrain is not far, and it's perfectly possible to bury yourself in Chinese and Moroccan hookers over there, if you so desire.)

The back stories vary in details but the common theme is of difficult long-distance relationships and / or attempts to buy a house in Country X and settle down after milking the money-cow in this job for a while.

Obviously they were looking for a certain type, but I had no idea how many people in the pool were about like ... me.



Funny that FIGHT CLUB became more of a touchstone to the generation below me, than to my generation, as I'm about the same age as those guys. But of course the idea is timeless -- "Come on guys, let's go express our individuality by looking and acting exactly like each other and some writer / singer / figure we admire!"

Anyway, GRAMMAR SLAMMER, my book on how to explain grammar, will be out this week. Stay tuned.