Monday, January 27, 2014

English Teacher X and a Big-Breasted Whore vs. The Ghost of Angeles City


After I left my crappy English teaching job in Seoul in January of 1997, I spent a few weeks in the Philippines. I had $10,000 saved and I was 28 years old, and was generally well-rested and ready for action after ten mostly boring months in Korea.

I spent a few days in Manilla, and then three days in Puerto Gallera, and then took a boat to Boracay. I found the Philippines beautiful but to me at that time it seemed inferior to Thailand; it was more expensive, I found the girls less attractive, and there was a dearth of hot female backpackers.

(There were, however, a lot of the grizzled, drunken old men that I did -- and still do -- find to be unnerving specters of what might be in my life.)

Someone I'd worked with in Thailand had recommended Angeles City, which is just a short bus ride from Manila, so I decided to spend my last two days there before catching a plane to Thailand.

What had formerly been a pretty raging party town was at that time nearly deserted following the eruption of Mount Pinatubo in 1991 and the subsequent pullout of the American Naval base there. It looked like some kind of crappy suburban red-light area -- I was reminded of the Airline Highway area outside of New Orleans --  with cheap strip-mall type architecture,  a lot of litter, and fast-food joints. And of course, plenty of go-go bars.



There were a few grizzled old bleary-eyed degenerates wandering around, and me. And hundreds of little Filipino girls standing in bikinis in the doorways of the bars screaming "Hello! I love you! Boom boom!"

A lot of the girls had pretty faces -- although quite a few of them had bad skin -- but almost all of them also had these strange rolls of blubber around their middles, on otherwise nice bodies.

 (I was a bit mystified by that and when I got back to Bangkok I met the teacher who had recommended Angeles, and asked him about it; he had lived there for a while and he said with authority, "The average country girl who goes to work there pretty much ends up living on ice cream, soda, and candy bars."

So I wandered around to a couple of go-go bars, where I was the only customer; a few girls approached me, and I wanly answered the usual questions about where I was from and whether I was looking for a girl. ("Maybe," was the answer to that one. While I generally was, Angeles wasn't doing much for my libido.)

But something strange was happening. Every time I told the girls where I was staying, they would get a wide-eyed look on their face and make excuses and leave.

Finally one of them said something like, "Mister, there's a white lady at that place!"

"A white lady?" I said, and then realized she meant a ghost.

I laughed. How awesome! I was staying in a haunted cheap hotel.

Finally, after enough San Miguel beer to fortify me, I saw a girl that I liked. She was a tiny thing, but she had enormous breasts. I mean, almost comically large, double Ds on a girl who couldn't have been more than five feet tall. They were real, too; this was back in the days before breast implants were common.

Not her, of course, but we're talking those kind of proportions. A reasonable likeness.
And we had some chemistry; yes, you can (and should) have chemistry with whores.

"But there's a ghost where I'm staying," I said.

Her eyes widened, but she said, "I'm not afraid," and smooshed her enormous funbags against me.

We negotiated a price -- I don't remember what, somewhere between $20 and $50 I guess, typical SE Asian prices at that time -- and went back to my hotel.

As we walked up the dark drive and around the back to my hotel room she was visibly trembling and clutching my hand.

I turned on all the lights and she went in peering cautiously into the bathroom and into the wardrobe and under the bed to make sure that some hideous undead phantom monstrosity wasn't waiting there.

Nope, only me.

I later asked the guy who had recommended Angeles if he'd ever heard about any ghosts there, and he said he thought that a girl had gotten killed at that particular hotel. He didn't know any particular details though.

We got on the bed and made out a little, and finally I pulled her top up and unleashed her big brown monstrosities.

"I think I know what you want to do," she said.

I smiled.

We started. Then there was a loud clumping noise from somewhere in the hotel, and she just about jumped off the bed.

I laughed. "You think it's coming to get us?"

"It's not funny!" she said.

"Ooooooooooo!" I said. "White lady!"

We got through it, but just about every time there was some kind of creak or bump, she nearly jumped out of her skin.

After she'd cleaned the spooge off her chin and we'd napped a bit, I paid her and walked her out to the street, she seemed very relieved.

"I don't think there's a ghost there," she said.

"No?" I said. "I guess our love drove it away," I said.

"See you tomorrow?" she asked.

"Sure," I said.

And I did, and I bought her a few beers, but I didn't take her back to the haunted hotel.

Some one I know once recommended, any time you feel like getting a whore, go ahead and jack off and see if you still feel like it. That's good advice.

I went back to the haunted hotel early and slept soundly, without even a bad dream.











Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Snarky One Liners in the Office

A little slice-of-life for you.

See, in the office I share with ten guys, we've only got one official company computer connected to the company Intranet, so as we all arrive for the shift, one guy tends to read out important announcements to stop people having to check their email immediately. I also tend to stand there and make snarky comments about the announcements.

I could also add that that's kind of the weird thing about working for a gigantic multi-national company (as opposed to a shitty franchise chain language school): we're constantly being relieved of our teaching duties to do things like seminars, conferences, safety training, and e-learning courses (on the company Intranet) which are often completely unrelated to teaching.



(Of course that would be a reference to THIS)


But to be honest, I didn't end up watching IRON MAN 3. I ended up marathoning season 3 of ARCHER. Full day's pay for that. English teaching is still a joke, but I guess still an awesome job for lazy people.

NEXT WEEK: English Teacher X and a Big-Breasted Whore vs. The Ghost of Angeles City

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Ballroom Dancer Returns: Pregnancy Tourism

So many of you readers probably are going through (or have gone through) that phase where it seems that all of your friends are getting married and / or having babies.

Since I spent my 30s mostly hanging around with people 10 - 15 years younger than me in Russia, I'm now (at 44) going through that phase for the second time; most of the people from VODKABERG are spawning like salmon recently.

Almond Eyes just had a baby last week; I contacted Ballroom Dancer on Facebook the other day and she revealed she's also expecting.

So read this and  check out WHERE she's going to have the baby ...

Ballroom Dancer circa 2006

(This is a link to the last conversation I had with her in July; recall that she is working in the field of event management in Moscow.) 

1/7, 11:56pm
English Teacher X
I had a sex dream about you last night

1/7, 11:56pm
Ballroom Dancer
wow surprising)))


1/7, 11:56pm
English Teacher X
yeah, surprised me also


1/7, 11:57pm
Ballroom Dancer
))))


1/7, 11:57pm
English Teacher X
never know what's in the back of the brain


1/7, 11:57pm
Ballroom Dancer
you will be more surprised if i tell you that i look like kolobok))))))
cos im pregnant 7 month already


1/7, 11:57pm
English Teacher X
kolobok?


1/7, 11:57pm
Ballroom Dancer
))))


1/7, 11:57pm
English Teacher X
oh really?
well congratulations


1/7, 11:58pm
Ballroom Dancer
thanks)

1/7, 11:58pm
English Teacher X
what does koloblok mean?

1/7, 11:58pm
Ballroom Dancer
its a hero of russian fairy

1/7, 11:58pm
English Teacher X
so you were pregnant the last time I talked to you and you didn't know it yet


1/7, 11:59pm
Ballroom Dancer
round small... i dont know who....kolobok)

1/7, 11:59pm
English Teacher X
i can only imagine how huge your breasts must be


1/8, 12:00am
Ballroom Dancer


its looks the same more or less)))
but the belly..... bigger then breast

1/8, 12:01am
English Teacher X
right


1/8, 12:01am
Ballroom Dancer
and its scare me
sometimes)))


1/8, 12:01am
English Teacher X
well it's just hormones, making you feel strange emotions, I suppose


1/8, 12:01am
Ballroom Dancer
how are you?


1/8, 12:02am
English Teacher X
i'm rather terrible, in general


1/8, 12:02am
Ballroom Dancer
im not a real mother)))


1/8, 12:02am
English Teacher X
you are the most natural mother I can imagine!


1/8, 12:02am
Ballroom Dancer
??
tell me

1/8, 12:02am
English Teacher X
you always were.

1/8, 12:02am
Ballroom Dancer
))


1/8, 12:02am
English Teacher X
unless you changed a lot!


1/8, 12:03am
Ballroom Dancer
im fine with myself, this is the best my achievement
tell me about you


1/8, 12:03am
English Teacher X
sure

1/8, 12:03am
Ballroom Dancer
where are you today?


1/8, 12:03am
English Teacher X
oh I came back to (the Kingdom in the Middle East) 
but it's a terrible job, although salary is very high
I get paid $8000 a month to stand in front of classes of boys from country while they refuse to study 

1/8, 12:05am
Ballroom Dancer
difficult situation with class, but salary has to smooth it)

1/8, 12:05am
English Teacher X
well, i live in terrible place, you can see pictures on here somewhere
it's not even a real house
like a camp

1/8, 12:06am
Ballroom Dancer
can you change it?

1/8, 12:06am
English Teacher X
this city is awful also, nothing here, although there is a beach nearby
but I can go to Dubai and Bahrain to have fun on the weekends, so I suppose I should not complain


1/8, 12:07am
Ballroom Dancer
oh yeah


1/8, 12:07am
English Teacher X
taking the girl to Maldives in February, maybe we will make some decision. But I don't think so

What makes me angry, i turned down a job in Dubai to take this job, because I thought it would be more professional because it's a big international company
but it's worst job I ever had
students are all company firemen and security guards who have to study English they don't need
But anyway, only 6 more months and I'm finished


1/8, 12:10am
Ballroom Dancer
maybe then you will move to dubai? i think its one of the best places for live and work
i dont mind to move there)

1/8, 12:12am
English Teacher X
yeah, I will try to get job there in the fall, I suppose
i have two friends who work there, but they were not very happy with their jobs, but they like living there
I wish I had taken that job, salary is less but I could have more life


1/8, 12:13am
Ballroom Dancer
at least you can teach students who need english)))


1/8, 12:13am
English Teacher X
they said it's same problem there, all the students are rich kids, they don't care about it also
my students aren't rich though


1/8, 12:14am
Ballroom Dancer
strange. usially when l meet the local men there they speak english


1/8, 12:15am
English Teacher X
well see, anybody that wants to study English they can go to England or whatever and learn it
they said most of the students there are women and they don't care about it
All Emirates people get money from government just for being Emiratis, so they can do whatever they want


1/8, 12:16am
Ballroom Dancer
ah i see
and you should be careful with local woman


1/8, 12:16am
English Teacher X
it would be nice to teach woman again


1/8, 12:16am
Ballroom Dancer
)))))
sure


1/8, 12:16am
English Teacher X
i'm tired of these country boys
they take off their shoes in class, they hate even to wear shoes

1/8, 12:17am
Ballroom Dancer
are they rude?


1/8, 12:18am
English Teacher X
oh they're terrible

1/8, 12:20am
Ballroom Dancer
i bet you want to whip them all))))))

1/8, 12:21am
English Teacher X
i just want them to go away
the government just doesn't want them running around the streets, so they give them jobs for the state oil company
there's big demographic problem here, too many young guys
(and girls, I guess, but I don't see them)


1/8, 12:23am
Ballroom Dancer
of course)


1/8, 12:25am
English Teacher X





1/8, 12:25am
English Teacher X
this is where I live

1/8, 12:26am
Ballroom Dancer
why dont you rent something more nice?????


1/8, 12:26am
English Teacher X
well, I could, but then I would have to buy furniture
want to get out quickly
also there's a pool here, I like that

1/8, 12:27am
Ballroom Dancer
)))

English Teacher X
1/8, 12:27




1/8, 12:27am
Ballroom Dancer
)))


1/8, 12:28am
English Teacher X
and there's security also, big wall with guards


1/8, 12:28am
Ballroom Dancer
is it important?

1/8, 12:28am
English Teacher X
i dont know, probably not
also nice cheap restaurant here

1/8, 12:28am
Ballroom Dancer
just finish there and move to dubai

1/8, 12:29am
English Teacher X
I want to finish the contract because then I get bonus of more than one month's salary

1/8, 12:29am
Ballroom Dancer
nice deal


1/8, 12:29am
English Teacher X
even so, many guys can't finish it


1/8, 12:29am
Ballroom Dancer
i will try to go to miami for baby delivery in a week


1/8, 12:30am
English Teacher X
guy went crazy the other day, started screaming and crying, security guards had to take him away


1/8, 12:30am
Ballroom Dancer
God!!!

1/8, 12:30am
English Teacher X
did you already get american visa?
why not EU?

1/8, 12:30am
Ballroom Dancer
of course!)
want to have small american boy)))

1/8, 12:30am
English Teacher X
America is terrible place to live now
I visited (Slappy's Wife) there last summer, working as stripper
remember her?


1/8, 12:31am
Ballroom Dancer
we are not going to live there) just US passport
yeah, i remember

1/8, 12:31am
English Teacher X
but why do you need one, better to have EU passport


1/8, 12:31am
Ballroom Dancer
what a terrible story


1/8, 12:31am
English Teacher X
then you could go to America anyway
or Europe isn't so generous to Baby Tourists?


1/8, 12:32am
Ballroom Dancer
whats wrong?
it is popular as well
but ive chosen good climate for next half of a year
want to be far from moscow and work


1/8, 12:33am
English Teacher X
Eh, I'd much rather live in Cyprus or Greece or somewhere
same kind of climate
I guess a lot of Russians like Miami though
it has its good points, I guess
plenty of Russians there now, especially in Hallandale Beach


1/8, 12:34am
Ballroom Dancer
oh its so popular, so many planes fly every day
miami custom is going crazy))))
thats the place im going to i guess

1/8, 12:35am
English Teacher X
(Slappy's Wife) doesn't live in Miami, but one of her friends lives there


1/8, 12:35am
Ballroom Dancer
but russian place is sunny isle

1/8, 12:35am
English Teacher X
fat and drunk and crazy now
yeah, sunny isle, that's where she lives
it's about 30 - 45 minutes from South Beach
maybe less
how long will you stay there/

1/8, 12:36am
Ballroom Dancer
until the end of June i guess


1/8, 12:37am
English Teacher X
who with?  not just you, surely. mom and dad?

1/8, 12:38am
Ballroom Dancer
mostly with dad. when the time for delivery husband and mom too. then i  dont know
may be along sometime
may be not
some friends want to come
i know some russian girls there as well

1/8, 12:41am
English Teacher X
have you been to America before?


1/8, 12:44am
Ballroom Dancer
of course
i even work 2 years ago there
planned the wedding

1/8, 12:45am
English Teacher X
in Miami?


1/8, 12:45am
Ballroom Dancer
in Newport, Road Island
but i travel a lot

1/8, 12:45am
English Teacher X
Rhode Island


1/8, 12:46am
Ballroom Dancer
NY, Boston, Miami, LA, Vegas, SFr
yes
)))
i wish i can go for party in Miami, but belly doesnt like it)))))))


1/8, 12:47am
English Teacher X
oh, well, yeah, nice strip clubs there

1/8, 12:47am
Ballroom Dancer
sorry not for me)))


1/8, 12:47am
English Teacher X
Went to Scarlett's Cabaret, you should have seen those girls , they were spinning around like Cirque De Soleil
except naked

1/8, 12:48am
Ballroom Dancer
)))))


1/8, 12:50am
English Teacher X
all right, I'm going for shower, and you should be sleeping anyway
good luck with it! I'm only a facebook away if you need anything

1/8, 12:51am
Ballroom Dancer
thank you my darling. you are in my heart! if you will have a chance ill be waiting for you in Miami)


1/8, 12:52am
English Teacher X
hmm, well, unfortunately I'll be here until July
the end of July
most likely be in America all of August


1/8, 12:53am
Ballroom Dancer
ill see you in dubai then)))
next year
i love to come there

1/8, 12:53am
English Teacher X
i might well be in moscow or samara for a while in the fall
anyway, paka


1/8, 12:54am
Ballroom Dancer
poka!

*  *  *

So there you go. For every disenfranchised spoiled white American college kid who goes abroad to get a crappy English teaching job, move into a crappy apartment, and bang himself into oblivion, there is one serious-minded Russian, Brazilian or Chinese ready to have a baby there to take your place, get your steady boring corporate job, and get that mortgage and car you don't want.

Thus is equilibrium maintained. Globalism works all ways, baby.





Friday, January 10, 2014

Section Eight


A couple weeks ago -- a few days before Christmas -- one of the teachers had some kind of mental breakdown here at the school.

I didn't see it, as I was teaching at that time.

I went into one of the offices during the short break between classes, and a teacher was complaining that another teacher had physically shoved him out of the other office.

"He kept saying he wanted to lock the door, but he didn't seem to be doing that," said the teacher who had been shoved.

I made a joke out of it, saying that if he needed backup, we'd go get it sorted.

As I went into my next class, I noticed several on the management and senior teachers running in a group down the hall, and vaguely wondered what was up.

It was all over by the time I finished my next class, though.

The teacher had apparently begun ranting and raving and laughing and crying and yelling, shoving everyone out of the teacher's office.

I asked someone who had been there what the ranting was about. "Religious themed," came the response. "Like about angels and stuff."

Apparently it ended with the security guards coming and wrapping the guy up in duct tape and carrying him out.

He was taken to a nearby hospital and sedated. A nurse friend of one of the teachers emailed and said that she'd seen the guy after he woke up and he was extremely confused and occasionally refusing to speak.

"He seemed a bit of a lost soul," said the nurse.

I'd never spoken to or met the guy -- there are more than 50 teachers on the night shift and more than 140 at the institute in general. One of the guy's friends said that he had confessed a history of bipolar disorder and had said something earlier in the day like, "this is what I felt like before the last time I had a breakdown."

They put him on a plane home later that week, but of course management was not particularly forthcoming with details.

What was the cause of this breakdown? He'd been here only about four months. Nobody knows the exact answer. There's speculation whether he was taking any medication, had taken something new, etc, but it's all just speculation.

So here I am at what is almost assuredly one of the highest-paying TEFL jobs in the world, which we all had to pass extensive background checks to get, and the teachers are still a bunch of unbalanced loons.

Just in case any of you were wondering.






Sunday, January 05, 2014

A New Year, A New Beginning

So 2013 really sucked balls, but of course who has the responsibility for making the next year better? That man in the mirror, baby.

To that end I'm branching out into several new businesses, to stimulate my Inner Whatever and increase my Automated Income Whatever.

Here are a few of the businesses I'll be getting involved in soon.


Retirement Homes / Assisted Living Facilities for Old English Teachers / Expats / Whoremongers -- Plenty of old guys abroad, both the kind who have been out for a lot of years and the kind who have retired abroad. Most of them are of course in terrible health. To that end, I'll be opening a chain of English Teacher X retirement homes and assisted living faciltiies. We'll be looking for property in areas convenient to whore-ridden areas like Thailand, Cambodia, Costa Rica and Colombia. There will be weekly events for residents such as pub crawls, drinking contests, and drunken arguments, as well as whores on staff for quick release.

Bankruptcy / Repatriation Services for Digital Nomads Who Have Gone Broke -- So you blogged about your cool ebay store that was making you enough money to have you living on the beach in Indonesia, and a hundred other people stole your idea and drove you out of business? And now you're too embarrassed to call your parents for money or your old boss and beg for your job back? With our new insurance policy, a low monthly payment to English Teacher X LLC will protect you from this ignominious fate. We will not only ensure that you get a ticket home, we will personally go apologize to your boss and parents and create a plausible excuse for your erratic behavior.

I Will Review The Reviews and Reviewers of Ebooks -- So you've hired 173 Chinese and Indians to review your ebooks, and now your Amazon page is covered with a bunch of incoherent, visibly fraudulent nonsense?  I will review the reviewers that you have chosen and add comments to the reviews attesting to their realism.

Copyright Infringement Protection Middleman -- By the time you get sued for unauthorized use of photos, song lyrics, products, or film dialogue in your blog, Youtube videos, or ebook, it's too late. But for a reasonable fee, I will examine your product(s) and determine if you are violating any copyrights. For an additional fee, I will NOT inform anybody about your blatant disregard for copyright laws.

* * *

And that's only scratching the surface, baby. I'll be sharing more ideas in the weeks to come. Enough moping and complaining; this is the New X!