Sunday, September 20, 2015

Crazy Bob's Night Out in Arcadia

This summer, I spent some time in the Ukraine, and about ten days of it were with Crazy Bob.

While Odessa and Kiev are beautiful cities, the trip was marred by bad luck and bad planning. In addition to the tension of the recent problems in the east, Bob and I spent far too much time sitting in one place drinking, and he simply jumped on the first whores that approached him, usually regretting it afterwards. (There seemed to be two kinds of Ukrainian girls -- those who were dismissive of foreigners, and those who wanted $100 to sleep with foreigners.)

On the next-to-last day that we were in Odessa, we went to the nude beach near Arcadia. It was mostly guys, of course, but it was still an interesting experience. Then we had dinner at a cliffside restaurant and walked onto the main strip in Arcadia.  


Bob started hitting on girls left and right, and after a dozen or so flat rejections, he finally met some girls from a village who didn't mind some male companionship.

They were going into a club and they invited us along. 

I decided to go home. 

Yeah, I know. Old guy. No fun anymore. The main thing was that I had a rash on my crotch from the salt water and sand at the beach, and being the oldest guy in the club is bad enough even if you're dressed nicely, but with swimming trunks and a t-shirt and sandals on, after a day of drinking beer in the sun, it just seemed like a dumb idea. 

I was in bed by 1:00am. 

I woke the next morning at 10:00am to find the following messages from Bob on my phone:  

1:20am One of these girls want to go with you, come back

1:40 am Dude you bailed the dark chick was yours FO FREE!

1:45 am Your absence created a dynamic in which I could not get laid! 

1:48 am The blonde needed the dark haired chick taken away, because she was married, she didn't wan't her friends to see her go with anybody

2:45 am Well the cops ripped me off for 50 bucks for getting a handjob in the garden

2:50 am Wish you had stayed

3:00 am Fucking Odessa!

(Here he included a picture of the club -- which seemed to be mostly men.) 

3:30 am So the girl didn't want to sit with me, I was offended and walked away and in that moment her purse and phone was stolen. 

3:35 am While she danced 

3: 40 am Jesus Fucking Jiminy Christ, how much worse can my fucking luck be in this Goddamned city

4:00 am I'm going to go fucking kill somebody

4:01 am If you don't hear from me, just board the plane without me

Nonetheless, I called and he was okay, and he managed to get checked out of his hotel and meet me at 12:00 looking not too much worse for wear.  We were taking the train back to Kiev that day, at 3:00pm.

"Are you wanted for murder?" I asked. "Are we fugitives?"

"No no," he said. "Nothing like that." 

"What did you do after you wrote this last message?" I said, as we toted our bags down towards the train station.  

"I went back into the club, I figured I had to take somebody home.  I mean, really." 

"No doubt." 

"So I hit on a couple more, but then finally, well, I went up to the girl who ... probably the ugliest girl in the club, Most people would say that." 

"Now that's what I call strategy. How horrible was she?" 

"Well, you know. Fat. Bad breath. But I mean, she was grateful. It wasn't that bad. She was enthusiastic."

"And you didn't have to pay her." 

"Well, I did give her some money," he admitted. "It wasn't much though, like $20."

"That was nice of you."

We trailed off into thoughtful hungover silence.  

"Well, you know," I finally said. "What if, you die and go to heaven? And it turns out that God is a fat chick." 

"Hmmm," he said.

"And you are welcomed in, and God says to you, my son, my true disciple, you did what I created mankind to do, to make fat girls happy."

He beamed. 


Anonymous said...

You write well, man. I bet your ebooks are a trip.

Deb said...

I suffer from the same ailment, wearing shorts with no undies, or cotton underwear on leg day at the gym

brian said...

Amen and Hallelujah...

Deb said...

Teach, how do the girls in Odessa compare to those in Vodkaberg in terms of attitude? Is there much "wow factor" in Vodkaberg if you are a foreigner, we know there is little in Odessa. Also, are Vodkaberg girls more or less money orientated when meeting men.

englishteacherx said...

I think the days of girls in other countries being "wowed" by foreigners are just plain done, globally, except for maybe some places in Africa and like North Korea.

Anonymous said...

How long before Bob goes completely over the edge or finds God (or Richard Dawkins) and calms down? Or how long can he keep this up physically and mentally?

Deb said...

There is still wow factor in Ukraine, especially in smaller towns and cities. Unfortunately this does not always translate in to them wanting to ravage you. There are any foreigners living in Ukraine but most are Turks and Arabs who the girls rightfully give little regard to. There is also the old see tourists. As long as you present yourself as a well to do Westerner then they love you in a discreet way

englishteacherx said...

Bob is 35 now so I suspect it's about time for him to slow down a bit, but he'll probably rock out to age 40, I'm sure.

Anonymous said...

I have experienced the opposite; Russian girls are pretty fucking interested in you if you're from North America. I don't know what happened in Samara but North of there things are just fine ;) Maybe knowing Russian to B2 helps.

But to be honest; a smile and silliness works anywhere.

englishteacherx said...

Even girls in Dubai were saying things to us last year like, "We don't talk to Americans anymore."

englishteacherx said...

Russian girls in Dubai, I mean.

Anonymous said...

Hanging out in the club district in Odessa is probably the worst place to cruise for chicks here. Go to the more family-friendly parts of town, you'll still see hot chicks everywhere who are more approachable. And like someone else said, you can still score like crazy in the smaller towns and villages here.

Anonymous said...

I knew a guy like Crazy Bob in England. He had this theory at the disco that the more chicks you asked to dance, the more chance you had of scoring. Success rate (approx) 1 in 15 and he was fine with that.