Message Bored


This is the fake message board from my 2002 website. Enjoy. There are basically two stories told through these messages, as well as a number of standalone shit-your-pants funny jokes. The first story is a conflict between a "trained professional" pretentious pompous teacher and a drunken cowboy teacher; the second concerns the Candide-like adventures of a fresh young newbie.

While the dates and references may be outdated, the tone and the situations are not; a quick look at the reviews of my books on Amazon will confirm that this is all still woefully accurate.


MESSAGE BORED

POST A MESSAGE

Being the cries in the wilderness of that mad lost tribe of
prophets: ESL teachers


NOTE: ENGLISH TEACHER X TAKES NO RESPONSIBILITY WHATSOEVER FOR THE ACCURACY OR THE CONTENT OF ANY VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS FORUM. INDEED, YOU WOULD BE WISE TO TRUST NO ONE.

I AM OUTRAGED

Posted by: Charles Pangolin, EFL Consultant: November 29, 2002, 17:29pm Manila,
The Phillipines

 

Let me be the first, although undoubtedly not the last, to express my utmost
disgust over this entire website. “English Teacher X” is the kind of cowboy who
has for so long given this profession a bad name. Fortunately, he and his ilk
are now being eliminated by the high standards of EFL teaching certificates
offered by Oxford Cambridge, Trinity College, TEFL International, and my EFL
consulting organization, Global Village Educational Services. I have for 17
years worked in this business and I have never experienced the kind of
conditions English Teacher X and his crony discuss, nor has any well-trained EFL
teacher. The only good thing about this stomach-churning atrocity of a site is
that it shows the value of good training, through which the bizarre
misadventures of the so-called “English Teacher X” can be avoided. Not that this
man and his friend didn’t deserve whatever they got!!


ENGLISH TEACHER X RULES!


Posted by CHAD, November 29, 2002 18:55 Taipei, Taiwan


This site if fucking hilarious! You rock, English Teacher X! This guy speaks the
TRUTH!! Does X stand for extreme or x-rated?


INFORMATION ABOUT ULAN BATOR

Posted by Confuzed in Chiba City, November 29, 2002 13:21 Chiba, Japan


I’m interested in teaching in Ulan Bator, Mongolia – anybody out there can help
me?


RE: OUTRAGED

Posted by SNAKE, November 30, 2002 03:25 Angeles City, the Phillipines



HA! yeah, Charles Pangolin is outraged. . . a man who uses his position in
the Phillipines for the sole purpose of buggering young boys. . .everyone in
Manila knows about it. . . he had to leave Angeles City cuz the parents of one
of his “boyfriends” threatened to kill him! Ask him about his “friend” Kiki!


RE:ULAN BATAAR

Posted by Griffin, November 30, 2002, 14:43 Ulan Bataar, Mongolia



I’m working in Ulan Bataar now. . . avoid it Confuzed. . . the local spirit is
made of goat’s milk and gives you diarrhea. . . .not much else to do here
though.


RE: RE: OUTRAGED

Posted by Charles Pangolin, EFL Consultant, December 1, 2002, 17:45, Manila, The
Phillipines




These allegations are so ridiculous I shouldn’t even address them, but I do feel
the need to set the record straight. “Snake” is a disgruntled former teacher who
I had to fire for drinking. He has long held a grudge against me for his own
weakness for alcohol, and will take any chance he gets to slander me.

My organization had to leave Angeles City because of weaknesses in the 
economy caused by the loss of the American naval base there. Many of our clients
worked in the tourist industry, and our financial loss was becoming substantial.
 

The “allegations” of improper sexual conduct were just that, and the police
clearly took my side in the case, as witnessed by the fact that the family took
no legal action against me despite what they claimed was substantial “evidence”.
 

Believe me, legal actions are under way against “Snake”. Until then, bear in
mind Snake than anything else you say is evidence. Furthermore, Kiki is only my
houseboy and suggesting otherwise will only lay you vulnerable to more slander
charges.


INFORMATION ABOUT LINGUAHOUSE SCHOOL, Mexico City, Mexico

Posted by Mysterious 1, December 1, 2002 18:02 Seattle, Washington

Anybody out there have any information about Linguahouse School in Mexico
City? They’re offering me $200 a month – is that enough to live on in Mexico
City?



RE: ENGLISH TEACHER X RULES

Posted by TeacherGirl, December 1, 2002 22:30 Moscow, Russia

I agree, English Teacher X is the best thing since press-on nails. He’s so
cute with his little lips sewn shut like that. How does he smell though, with no
nose!


RE: RE: ENGLISH TEACHER X RULES

Posted by English Teacher M, December 1, 2002 23:17 Seoul, Korea



He smells horrible! HAHAHAHAHAHA! I agree though, man, this page is some funny
shit. I’ve been fucked over so many times in this job I oughta file rape
charges. It’s a lot like being a crack whore, only you never get any crack.


RE:RE:RE OUTRAGED


Posted by Snake, December 2, 2002 06:25 Angeles City, The Phillipines

He paid off the cops, everybody knows it. . .i’m not afraid of you you
filthy pederast. Perhaps you’d like to go out for a San Miguel sometime,
Charlie????? You bring your lawyers and your writs and torts and i’ll bring a
baseball bat and a raincoat


IN DEFENSE OF CHARLES PANGOLIN

Posted by IAN, December 2, 2002 12:42 Pattaya, Thailand


I worked with Charles Pangolin in the Phillipines for nearly three years before
I accepted this position in Pattaya, and I must disagree in every way with what
“Snake” says about him. Charles Pangolin was a dedicated EFL teacher, a caring
and sensitive manager, and a good friend, while “Snake” was a drunken
misanthrope with poor social skills and not much skill in the classroom either!
We had some good times together didn’t we Charlie? Hope to see you again soon
and maybe have a San Miguel. I tried to email you but the letter got bounced –
is your server having a problem? BTW is Kiki living with you now?


FUNNY IN A SICK, SAD KIND OF WAY

Posted by Francis, December 2, 2002, 09:43 Prague, CR



Funny like cancer, this page.

MORE OF SNAKE’S LIES

Posted by Charles Pangolin, EFL consultant, December 3, 2002 05:43 Manila, The
Phillipines


While the mental disturbances of a man who chooses to call himself “Snake”
and threatens me with such grotesque and graphic physical violence should be
utterly obvious to all concerned, I am glad that my good friend Ian has shown me
some support here. This profession is plagued with the likes of “Snake” as I
have said before, and I regret that English Teacher X is giving them a forum to
air their hysterical rantings, most likely the byproduct of delirium tremens.
Fortunately, more and more well-trained, responsible and dedicated teachers like
Ian are replacing these drug-addled backpacking cowboys.

Ian was one of our finest teachers at Global Village Educational Services and
I am proud to call him my friend. As I said, Ian, Kiki is now my houseboy, and
as such does live with me in order to fulfill all his duties

ANY HINTS FOR TEACHING CHIDREN

Posted by Gert, December 3, 2002, 11: 28 Shanghai, China



I’ve been teaching this group of children. . . man, they’re cute all right but
they just run around like a bunch of mice while I’m trying to teach them.
Anybody have any tips for me?

FAGGOT MUST DIE

Posted by SNLKE December 3, 2002 13:45 Angeles City, The Phillipines

 

Motherfucn faggots ian is a goddamnd buttfucker too bth of then are
buttbuddies everybody knows it. Oky so i take a drink occasionally doew that
make me a bad guy or a bad teacher at least i never stuck my dick up anylittle
boys ass hole i’ll kill you two fucking homos

RE: TEACHING CHILDREN

Posted by Grizzled Vet, December 4, 2002, 07:30 Guatamala City, Guatamala


Well, what you have to do is put them in competitive groups, with some kind of
reward or punishment for their performance. For example, the team with the most
points at the end of the week gets special certificates, which you can whip up
on Microsoft Pagemaker in about 30 seconds for practically nothing. And you’re
in China? So failing that you can just smack the shit out of them with a bamboo
cane, everybody’ll think it’s normal.


IN FURTHER DEFENSE OF CHARLES PANGOLIN

Posted by IAN December 4, 2002, 08:43 Pattaya, Thailand


Charles, be very careful! I hope you’ve alerted the police to the threats of
this obvious madman “Snake” it’s clear that he means you some harm. I can
remember numerous incidents of his vile temper and indeed his homophobia.

It’s obvious that Charles Pangolin is an innocent man being unjustly hounded by
a deranged alcoholic, persecuted as were such great men as Oscar Wilde. He is a
dedicated professional in a profession that lacks them. His kindness can be seen
in the way he has taken Kiki, a young orphan with no parents, into his home and
given him gainful employment. Kiki was a very intelligent lad who Charles took
great pride and care in teaching English as a matter of pure charity. As his
houseboy, I’m sure Kiki is learning more every day with a place to practice his
English. It’s great to hear that he lives with you during the day now Charlie.
Where does he sleep?

TEXTBOOKS FOR TOEFL/ TOEIC CLASS

Posted by Desperate, December 4, 2002, 17:30


Anybody have any advice for good textbooks for a TOEFL class of 16 and 17 year
olds? Anything available on the Internet?




PROPS TO ENGLISH TEACHER X

Posted by Synbad, December 4, 2002, 18:45 Bangkok, Thailand



English teacher x is 100 percent on in everything he says. I’ve been an english
teacher for 4 months now and already had 7 jobs. Easy to get work, easy to lose
it. man i’m high

DISCRIMINATION IN EFL

Posted by Doogy, December 5, 2002, 09:30 Sheffield, England



Well, English Teacher X is right about one thing – there’s a tremendous amount
of discrimination in the EFL world. I just returned from Tainan, Taiwan. I am a
teacher with 4 years of experience here in Sheffield, teaching immigrants and a
Master’s Degree in TEFL and Linguistics. I was promised a job in a prestigious
private school there at a very high salary. The job was arranged by internet and
telephone interviews.

When I arrived in person, however, the result was a complete shock to me. I
was told that my position had suddenly become unavailable and I could not be
offered any position at any time in the future. It was patently obviously that
it was because I am physically challenged. I am a “Thalidomide baby”, and my
arms are not fully developed. Nonetheless, I am able to hold a pen and can
certainly teach English most effectively. This was a case of blatant
descrimination and I do not hesitate to name the school: Celestial Language
School, Tainan, Taiwan.

ABOUT KIKI

Posted by Charles Pangolin, ESL consultant, December 5, 2002, 10:45, Manila, PR



Ah Ian! So good to hear from you. Please email in the future for our personal
correspondence, I’m sure that my server’s problems are now taken care of. Please
don’t worry, this “Snake” is nothing but an annoyance and soon will be taken
care of.

Let me address, however, a few things, as filthy-minded individuals, who no
doubt comprise a good proportion of English Teacher X’s readership, may get
certain incorrect ideas from some of Ian’s innocent remarks.

First of all, I am not a homosexual. Ian compares me to Oscar Wilde simply as
an example of a man wrongfully accused and unjustly persecuted.

Kiki is a young man from a remote and troubled area of the Phillipines, and
his parents were killed by insurgents when he was but 6 years old. He made his
way by a troubled course to Manila, where he fell in with a bad crowd. He became
addicted to glue at an early age. As part of a program I sponsor in Manila
entitled “Helping the Homeless with English” I took Kiki into our school and
gave him free English lessons and a job opening doors and doing small office
errands. When my wife died last year, I found myself unable to cope with
household chores and run my school at the same time. The obvious solution was to
hire Kiki as my live-in domestic. When he has finished his course of study and
gotten a good job in Manila, I can feel satisfied that English has again saved a
lost soul.

This is only one example of the many innovative programs we are trying here
at Global Village Language Services. We strongly believe that in a global
economy, English is the key to success. This is not just a slogan for us; we act
on it.

GOOD PLACE TO MEET GIRLS IN ULAN BATAAR

Posted by Luca, December 5, 2002 14:13 Ulan Bataar, Mongolia


Don’t be afraid to come to Ulan Bataar, Confuzed. It’s okay. I’ve been here for
a couple of months now and I quite like it.

But can anyone out there recommend a good place to meet girls here?

BUTTFUCKING LITTLE BOYS IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS???


Posted by SNAKE December 5, 2002 15:21 Angeles City, The Philipines


Fuckin pangolin killed his wife, too, everybody knows it. he paid off the cops
for the autopsy too. Think a healthy sober woman just accidentally falls down
the steps and breaks her neck? No way man no way

CELESTIAL LANGUAGE SCHOOL NO DESCRIMINATE

Posted by Mr. Lee, December 5, 2002, 20:17 Tainan, Taiwan


My name Mr. Lee. I manager school Celestial Language Tainan, Taiwan. Recently we
have unfortunate experience with one teacher. He conceal fact that he have no
hands. This unaccetable. In Chinese culture, very bad luck have teacher with no
hands, maybe devel.

ENGLISH TEACHER X IS GOD

Posted by Googoomuk, December 5, 2002, 23:05 Capetown, South Africa


I totally agree with everything English Teacher X says. I’ve never heard
anything so funny in all my life. He is my new God.


IN DEFENSE OF CHARLE’S PANGOLIN

Posted by KIKI December 6, 2002, 19:23 Manila, The Philipines


I am not agree with the fould rumours and slanders posted by mr. Snake. Mr.
Charles good man. He no drink too much like mr. Snake. Never he hit me or treat
me bad. I love mr. Charles forever x x x

THE PANGOLIN DEBATE

Posted by Doug, December 6, 2002, 21:45 Seoul, Korea


I worked at Global Village Language Services for six months in 2000 and I never
saw any evidence that Charles Pangolin was in any way improperly acting towards
his students or towards Kiki., and that “Snake” guy really creeped me out
anyway. He was this hippie guy and he’d do all these exercises like tell his
students to close their eyes for five minutes and think about the ocean, or
touch the person nearest them and try to project happiness into them. It was
weird. I think he took a little too much LSD back in the early nineties.

ENGLISH TEACHER X IS A LOSER


Posted by Sour Old Hag, December 6, 2002, 22:43 Dubai, UAE


English Teacher X is obviously a big loser. He probably sits around all day
watching pornos and jacking off about his students.

I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE

Posted by Charles Pangolin, EFL Consultant, December 7, 2002 12:35 Manila, PR

 

Thank you Doug. I am a wholehearted supporter of the humanistic philosophy of
English teaching, where we use language to preserve and promote a positive
self-image of the learner as a person and a language learner. Certain activities
can be misused by obscenity-minded individuals, however, as a simple excuse to
fondle a student. Clearly the so-called “Snake” has projected his own pedophilia
onto me. Psychologists call this “transference.”

I THINK THAT'S A JOKE

Posted by Keri, December 7, 2002, 12:45 Budapest, Hungary



That's got to be a joke about that guy with no arms teaching, right? I mean, how
could he type out a message like that if he had no hands? Come on, that's sick
you guys.

AVOID TRANSGLOBAL LANGUAGE CENTER

Posted by Tommy G, December 7, 2002, 15:32 Sofia, Bulgaria


Avoid Transglobal Language Center in Sofia, Bulgaria they totaly cheated me on
everything, liad to me and riped me off. They said i aint know grammer. Can you
beleive that shit?

CHARLES, WHERE DOES KIKI SLEEP?

Posted by Ian, December 7, 2002 18:30, Pattaya, Thailand



You didn’t answer my question about where Kiki sleeps now, Charles. I’ve
tried to email you several times but my letters keep getting bounced. Could you
please call me ASAP?


SNAKE TOLE ME TO POST ??!!?!??

Posted by Tiu, December 8, 2002, 12:43 Angeles City, The Phillipines

Mr.snake say me to post this i cut andpaste it from Phillipino Gazette snake
want show world about mr. Pangolin he want me to right; evil has long arm


Local Man Arrested In Drunken Brawl


(Angeles City) Local English teacher Robert “Snake” Plisskin, 38, from America
was arrested yesterday at the Ace of Spades Bar during fight, wherein he was
badly injured.

Witnesses say he was approached by three policemen who asked to see his passport
and visa. Police spokesman says he refused and called one of the officers an
insulting name, and began swinging a knife. The police struck him many times
with their sticks.

He was badly injured in the fight, with damage to his spleen, broken legs, and a
broken arm.


Plisskin is now in the hospital awating for surgery on his spleen. Hospital
spokesman say his condition is “guarded.” Mr. Plisskin claims he was the victim
of police corruption.

Police say they found several cigarettes of marijuana in his bag. He will be
charged and taken into custody as soon as he is out of surgery.


EVER HEARD OF VOICE RECOGNITION SOFTWARE?

Posted by Doogie, December 9, 2002, 14:35 Sheffield, England


Oh, this discrimination is real, you can bloody well believe it.

As for Celstial Language School's rebuttal, it speaks for itself. I feel sorry
for you people, I really do.

A SAD END TO THE SAGA OF SNAKE

Posted by Charles Pangolin, December 9, 2002 15:25, Manila, The Philipines


 

While I certainly never delight in the pain of another human being, it’s hard
to say that what happened to Snake was undeserved. It’s clear in his homophobia,
his violent outbursts, and his paranoia that he is in dire need of counseling.
Perhaps he will be repatriated to America where he can get the help he needs.

WHERE DO I SIGN UP?

Posted by Newbie, December 9, 2002 22:35 Iowa City, Iowa


Man! This all looks like more fun than a barrel of sleestaks! Where can I sign
up? Anybody got any advice on getting started?

RE: JUST DESSERTS FOR THE SNAKE

Posted by Gary, December 9, 2002 17:83 Bangkok, Thailand

Yes, you certainly handled that meddler, Charles! Good job!


I LOV EYOU MR. CHARLES

Posted by Kiki December 9, 2002, 19:25 Manila, The Philipines


Mr. Charles good! Mr. Snake no good! I love you mr. Charles, platonic way!

WELCOME BACK TO THE FORUM!

Posted by English Teacher F, February 3, 2003 23:43 Pilsen, Czech Republic



Finally! The forum is working again. It's good to be able to comment again.
I have to say, I worked for a while with Pangolin and I never saw any evidence
of anything untoward towards Kiki. Anyway, what's the big deal, he's legal age.
I think.

THIS PROFESSION ROCKS LIKE THE BAY CITY ROLLERS!


Posted by NEWBIE, February 3, Bangkok, Thailand, 15:32




So I was so inspired by all your postings and how cool all this stuff seems, so
I paid $3400 for a certificate course. That was my life savings, but it was
worth it -- I totally learned a lot about how to teach a class. So I quit my job
as manager of the copy shop and took the plunge!

Unfortunately my first job didn't work out so well. I took a job in Seoul off
the internet, and after getting there and working for a month on a tourist visa,
my employers finally told me they weren't going to pay me, or get me a real
visa. I went to a lawyer, and then the lawyer stole $200 from me and did
nothing. Finally though, my mom lent my $1000 for the plane ticket and i went to
Bangkok. I've always wanted to go there ever since I saw "The Beach". I went to
a job interview, and unfortunately it was a scam -- they told me to bring some
money for an apartment deposit and visa fees and then they drugged me and robbed
me and when I woke up the whole office was empty. I have a strange pain in my
buttocks, too -- I hope they didn't do something gross to me. Man, this is just
like that scene in PULP FICTION. So finally I ended up taking a job with one of
the big chains in Bangkok, and I'm not doing too bad -- can't really save any
money and I work about 35 hours a week, but it's an ADVENTURE man, I feel so
ALIVE! I've left that 9 to 5 thing behind FOREVER! I've started my novel about
English teaching -- it's called "The Endless Road." What do you think of that
title? Is it taken already?

HELLO EVERYBODY!

Posted by KIKI February 6, 2003 08:34 Manilla, The Phillipines



Helo agin every body! This kiki! I lvoe you! Me good! Mr. Pangolin good! He go
holiday Thailand! Me have house free. Mr. Pangolin house good! I study English
and go America! I want be dental hygenist!

WHAT ABOUT GREENLAND?

Posted by John F. February 7, 2003 20:32 Liverpool, England
.

Any information about teaching English in Greenland?

MORE TROUBLES

Posted by NEWBIE February 8, 2003 15:35 Bangkok, Thailand




Well, the old luck has changed again. . . the police came by the school checking
work permits and of course there I was with my tourist visa. I managed to get
out of jail after I paid a $400 bribe. But now I’m looking for a new job again,
my old school won’t take me back. Any suggestions out there? Can anybody
recommend a good place to work in Thailand? Still I’ve done a lot of really good
writing this week – the latest chapter of my book is called “Reversal of
Misfortune.”


COME PHILLIPINES

Posted by Kiki February 8, 2003 Manila, The Phillipines


Come phillipines newbie! Phillipines good! Happy sun! Thailand no good! Come
live happy philipines! We go drunk san miguel go-go bar!

MAN THIS SHIT IS HARD

Posted by Rick, February 9, 2003 Budapest, Hungary


Damn, can’t somebody help me? What the fuck is the difference between “another”
and “the other”? Shit dude!

WELL IT'S LIKE THIS


Posted by Slaphappy, February 11, 2003 Tianan, China


It's like this. Another is the next in a series. As in "Give me another fucking
beer." The other refers to a different option of a group. "My other car is a
Porsche."

ANY ADVICE

Posted by Grouper, February 13, 2003 Hong Kong, China


I've got this six year old kid here and his parents want him to take the TOEFL
test. Is that possible? Any advice?


DON'T WORRY

Posted by NEWBIE, February 14, 2003 Bangkok, Thailand



Happy valentine's day everybody! I just wanted to tell everyone that things are
working out okay here in Bangkok now, it's really a great place. I got a job
teaching children--it's challenging, but it's really satisfying. And I've
finally gotten into the local culture -- I found a girl friend. Her name is Po.
She's a sweet little asian flower of the most gentle and delicate type. Don't
worry though -- I'm getting plenty of action! She likes it from behind. She's
really shy about letting me see her privates, for some reason. But man is she
beautiful. Long black hair, big brown eyes, and a body to die for. She's got a
big adam's apple and really big hands, though, is the only problem, but I can
overlook it. My writing is still going well -- I just finished a chaper called,
"The End of the Rainbow."

DUDE

Posted by Biff, February 15, 2003, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia


DUDE check her private's out QUICK and make sure she's got some. Something
similar happened to me -- talk about the fucking Crying Game, I was crying.

NEWBIE! NO GOOD!


Posted by: KIKI, February 16, 2003, 18:35 Manila, The Phillipines


Oh no! Newbie! No good! She lady boy! Transformer! 100 percent! No good! Come
Phillipines, work Mr. Pangolin!

CHECK THEM THOROUGHLY FIRST

Posted by Derek, February 16, 2003, 15:03 Bangkok, Thailand

It’s likely she’s got a bigger dick than you do, man.

I WAS JUST JOKING

Posted by Newbie, February 17, 2003 Bangkok, Thailand


All that was just a joke. I was just kidding. I like to do stuff like that
sometimes. Of course I would know if I was doing it with some transvestite. Or
transexual. Of course I would know, but I have to say, it is pretty difficult to
tell with modern surgical techniques. And all that. I mean it could happen to
anyone. It just didn’t happen to me, that’s all.

Uh, say, Mr. Pangolin, you wouldn’t happen to have any job openings in your
school, would you?

YOU FUCKING IDIOT

Posted by Global Village Idiot, February 18, 2003 09:42 Rio De Janeiro, Brazil


Oh, don’t worry. It happens to everybody in Thailand at least once.

And then of course some grow to like it and it happens again and again. . .
hooey! Ain’t no sex like transex

POOR BOY

Posted by Charles Pangolin, EFL consultant, February 18, 2003 14:35 Manila, The
Phillipines



Indeed, we are welcoming applications now at Global Village Language Services.
It’s possible that, with your qualifications, we might be able to offer you a
position. Will you be bringing your girlfriend with you? Believe me, we here at
Global Village would never discriminate against someone due to race, creed or
sexual preference.

INFORMATION ABOUT CHIBA CITY

Posted by CASE February 23, 2003 Iowa City, Iowa


Yo, I just saw on an ESL website there actually is a place called Chiba in
Japan. Is it like the Chiba city in the novel NEUROMANCER? Are there like people
with chips inside their heads?

DEAR MR. PANGOLIN

Posted by NEWBIE Februay 27, 2003 02:34Manila, The Phillipines


I've decided to try my luck here in Manila, but it seems I've lost the address
to your school and your phone number. Could you contact me at my email address
newbie@hotmail.com, and send me your address?

This cafe is pretty scary maybe I shouldn't have come out so late. This isn't a
very good nei


INFORMATION ABOUT C.A.L.L Posted by Bland, February 27, 2003 19:32
Shanghai, China


I'm teaching Computer Asisted Language Learning, should I refer to it as just
"call" or should I say , like "See Ay Ell Ell?"

WE'VE GOT YOUR MAN

Posted by The Popular Front For Phillipines Seperatism, March 3, 2003 22:05
Manila, The Phillipines


Bourgeois Dog PANGOLIN:

We have taken your CAPITALIST FLUNKY AMERICAN STOOGE hostage. We unable to get
email address from him for you so we contact you this way. Please send details
for ransom delivery by email to popularseperatistfront@hotmail.com


We want $2500 American or we will cut off his fingers one at a time.

DON'T WORRY

Posted by NEWBIE, March 3, 2003 05:31 ? The Phillipines


Don't worry everyone they haven't hurt me. I'm being kept somewhere in the
jungle. It's okay they let me keep the manuscript for my novel, and fortunately
there's a phone connection for my laptop. I think the pain of the kidney
infection I've picked up is more than compensated for by the experience.
Somewhere down the line this will maybe even make a Tv movie, like Julia
Butterfly's. I'm calling this chapter of my book, "Why The Caged Bird Sings".
Although i was also thinking of "When Urinating Feels Like Razor Blades and
Sulphuric Acid"

NO GOOD

Posted by Kiki, March 3, 2003 08:35 Manila, The Phillipines



No good! Oh Newbie! No good seperatist! Why you go seperatist? No good! I love
you Newbie xxx

EVERYTHING WE CAN

Posted by Charles Pangolin, EFL Consultant, March 6, 2003, Manila, The
Philipines


I just want everyone to now: we are doing everything we can to secure Newbie's
release. We do, however, have a policy of not negotiating with terrorists here
at Global Village Language Services. Some phone calls have been made, however,
and it seems likely that some kind of agreement can be reached soon

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HIGH AND TALL?

Posted by Chinese Fingercuffs, March 10, 2003 Quenju China


Can somebody help me? What's the difference between high and tall? Shit!




IT'S OKAY EVERYBODY

Posted by Newbie, March 18, 2003, Iowa City, Iowa




I'd just like to publiclyy say thank you to all those who've sent me support,
and please say to stop it, especially those companies selling penis extension
products.



As you can see, I survived my little adventure. It seems that Pangolin's
organization did not want to pay the full amount of my ransom, but finally my
parents did so. Regrettably, the Phillipino Seperatist Front then heard about
the American intention to invade Iraq, and decided to execute me at dawn.
Fortunately I managed to download some geological survey maps of the region of
the Phillipines, chewed my way through the bamboo cage I was being held in
(losing two molars in the process), and began walking. They chased me with dogs
for a while, but I hid inside of a dead water buffalo for a night and a day and
they lost the scent. Man was that bad -- sitting inside a dead buffalo playing
GTA III on my laptop. Lord. I haven't even been able to write about it.



I walked for four days through the jungle, eating nothing but leaves and insects
for most of that time, and drinking my own perspiration (something I saw
recommended on junglesurvial.com) before an army patrol came across me lying
unconscious. Regrettably I had passed out rather near an army ant hill -- I'm
surprised they didn't wake me -- but that's how exhausted I was. I was in the
hospital for about a week before I was flown home.



I lost three toes to gangrene, and most of my left ear had been devoured by army
ants before they found me, but I'm all the more determined to make it in the
world of EFL. I'm back working at the Kinko's Copy Shop, now, though, saving up
money again for Round Two. Anybody heard anything good about South America?



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