Monday, April 26, 2010

Do Buy!

So I spent a week in the OTHER Las Vegas of the Middle East, with the same Russian girl that I went to Egypt with in February.

It's been getting some bad press recently for jailing people who kiss on the street, side by side with a reputation as a good place for sex tourism. But it's an interesting place to visit -- a lot of it looks like a futuristic city from a 70's science fiction movie.

Basically, it's about half mall, half slum. I imagine most of the planet will look like that within 15 years. Even the beaches are man-made and very-well landscaped, and the new subway runs on time. . . but you can't chew gum there.

So I was there for 5 days with the Russian girl that I know; we did all the touristy stuff like go to aquariums and the big malls, which are impressive even to a guy who doesn't much care for malls -- people of all religions and nationalities joined together in their love of buying a bunch of crap they don't need. We also saw the elaborately artificial recreations of traditional Arabic houses and stuff, and at my insistance wandered through the poor slummy areas where all the Indians and Pakistanis live who built all this stuff and keep the services running.

Also, I had two days there by myself. Alcohol is available only at hotel bars there, so I went to one; it was full of whores from Africa, China and Russia, most of whom were bloated and terribly unhealthy looking, with walking-dead eyes. The Africans were the nicest-looking -- I guess their complexion doesn't suffer as much from the late nights and the all the booze and cigarettes.

I'd already had sex with my Russian girlfriend twice that morning before she left, so I declined when one of the prettiest prostitute in the place (a Ghanese girl with corn-rowed hair) offered to spend all night with me for $150. I just wanted to relax and drink some beer for a few hours. (Most of you probably wouldn't have found a place full of bloated whores and equally bloated and rancid-looking whoremongering expats relaxing, but such places at least offer little pretension.)

I told the girl I wasn't going to take her home; I said I'd consider it the next day. (I mean, for $150, you want to be fresh, you know.) She sat with me and gazed adoringly for a couple hours anyway, saying I was the nicest guy in the place. We chit-chatted.

The story she told me wasn't especially terrifying; she wasn't stuffed in a box or facing a huge debt. She had a friend who worked in Dubai, who helped her arrange the visa, and she came. (Not much work in Ghana, even though she claimed to have a degree in business administration and had worked at her mother's shop that sold jewelry.) As with most whores I have known, when I asked her if she liked her job, she just kind of shrugged.

Then of course when she found out that I really WASN'T going to take her home, she wasnted me to pay her for her time. I gave her the equivalent of about $15, which I thought was generous in addition to the two vodka and cokes I'd bought her. She didn't agree.

I think I drank 5 pints of beer, total -- supposedly Heiniken -- and was home by 1.30am, which back in Vodkaberg would have been considered a VERY quiet night.
I hadn't felt that drunk when I went to bed -- no vomitting and no spins, certainly -- but when I woke up the next day I had a fucking HORRIFIC hangover, a pounding headache and nausea that I just couldn't shake.

I'm not sure why -- maybe the beer was bad quality or maybe the hooker from Ghana put a hex on me. Whichever, I couldn't shake it, and didn't do much that day other than go to the movies to see CLASH OF THE TITANS, which coincidentally is also about the death of legends.

Then I ate a tuna sandwich at Subway, and then come back to the hotel room and watched CSI:LOS ANGELES on cable and cleaned the keyboard on my computer with Q-Tips.


Anonymous said...

It's amazing how dull that story is in comparison to pretty much any other story you've posted about Vodkaburg. I've loved your blog for years now, but it's dying a slow, agitating death. I didn't think the Middle East would almost literally kill you from boredom, and take us with you. RIP English Teacher X.

English Teacher X said...

has it ever occurred to you to go out and do something interesting yourself, rather than trying to live vicariously through 40-year-old men?

Anonymous said...

yeah, get your sorry middle-aged ass back there to the frozen asshole of nowhere and dance for us, little monkey!

English Teacher X said...

It's just like I always suspected -- you have to make people hate you to have a popular blog. I'm getting twice as many hits now as I was last year.

Nobody ever seemed to understand that all that English Teacher X stuff was a cautionary tale . . . I WAS NOT BRAGGING. I fucking cringe when I get these "you inspired me to go teach English" emails. The prime mover of the blog was to make people NOT teach English. Perhaps an uneventful one from the Middle East will finally achieve that goal!

Anonymous said...

come on, even the titty pictures weren't bragging? caucasian, please!

Anonymous said...

Uh, think that was almost the point of it? "and then I went to see CLASH OF THE TITANS which was also about the death of legends."

Anonymous said...

thanks X you've inspired me to become an architectural project manager abroad!

Anonymous said...

wow, even when you write about whores and getting drunk, the haters don't like it. . .

Chris said...


Don't even worry about the lobotomized simps commenting on your 'dull' stories. I highly doubt they have any type of life experience that remotely qualifies them to do so.

I, for one, didn't find this story dull. Its simply a story. I never thought your blog was there to entertain. If that were the goal, then you likely would have failed due to writing disingenuously to meet that goal. Instead, you write about the day to day reality, which becomes entertaining due to the very fact that its not an enhanced fictionalized, or conversely sterilized, reality.

I always saw your blog as more of a life log of a very candid english teacher, no more and no less. Thats why I keep reading.

The only thing that bothers me is that you even care to respond when these fools write. Also, that the fact that the tittie story requests maybe bother you to the point to where you do write to further include or exclude those type of stories more than you otherwise would.

and the chance of getting HIV from an African hooker is probably about the same chance as feeling shame after you fuck a camel. Good choice...peace

Anonymous said...

You took that first post too seriously. I love your blog and will keep reading it until you end it. I was just busting your balls. I probably came across a bit too harsh.

In all seriousness, your blog hasn't always come across as a cautionary tale, but I'm actually one who took it as such. I started reading it back when I was interested in going to Russia to teach English, but your blog convinced me that going ANYWHERE to teach English is not a good idea. So there you go.

Anonymous said...

Why does EVERY middle-aged English teacher diss their own profession?

1. They're embarassed by the job.

2. Even though they hate their lives, the worst thing possible is for younger, fresher faces to turn up and rock the boat.

3. Teaching English is shit.

4. An inside joke so that teachers continue to enjoy drink-fuelled orgies with women world-wide.

5. Middle-age = bitterness

I think it's a mixture of all five. What is it ETX? If teaching is so bad, why do you do it?

English Teacher X said...

Teaching isn't that bad, it's the schools that are bad. 90 percent of them, anyway, exist solely to milk teachers and student of money.

As for me, I do it because I don't know how to do anything else. And this current job is a lot of money for little work. Before that, it was. . .

English Teacher X said...

. . . during the 90's I simply didn't know all schools sucked, and thought I'd been unlucky, but I think my experiences were pretty typical.

Then in the 2000's, I got enough young tail and alcohol in Russia to keep me at it for a long while. . . thank god there's this as a safety net.

Anonymous said...

Reminded me of my time in Dubai a few years back, and it still appears to be the United Nations of prostitution.

I'd say the hangover was due to a long period of abstinenece and dodgy beer that's not well kept. When I used to leave Saudi on vacation the alcohol always hit me like a sledgehammer.

Chris said...

An unsolicited offer. Please don't take offense to the gesture if you aren't interested:

If you ever get sick of teaching english (if you feel marooned by the profession), and need/want USA employment,you can email me to find out what I'm doing as an alternative to ESL. I'm doing it because there is a severe under-supply of people in the field(and a LOT of jobs) average pay is 60-90k in the states, its clean low stress cerebral work, you can pick up and drop work as needed, go into private practice and make more, take well paid temporary 13 week travel assignments (apartment paid) which allow you to save a lot take time off for international travel in the interim, get federal government work (international as well, if you want it), and more...Its really broad and you can work with kids in schools or in private practice, with adults, foreigners, or do corporate work. Also, there is no real 'career ladder', only those who have the skills and those that do not, and so you are missing nothing by getting into it in your forties.

It would take you 3 years of school, but you can do the first year, through distance education, while working in Saudi. Then come back to the USA for your final two years of school. You can pay for grad school with your Saudi savings, leaving you with no student loans.

Just thought I'd throw that out there, because I've enjoyed your blog over the years, and this is what I'm doing as an alternative to ESL. Its something that offers me flexibility to travel and decent pay. Also, you can do it until you die, if you want, because there is no physical labor, its low stress, and in high demand. Like I said, pick up and drop work at will, or get into an institution (schools or government) for a pension.

Email me if interested, and I'll tell you what I know. Its good to have the info for a future option, even if you aren't currently interested. My sister does it for a living and I'm starting classes this summer.

Chris said...

I just realized that you probably can't source my email through my ID. So, if interested, work out a way that I can send you my email address. I'll check these comments later. If not, I look forward to reading about the future adventures of etx.

English Teacher X said...

my email address is on the website there --

TEFL makes me feel like a secret agent. said...

You didn't inspire me to teach English but your website certainly made the transition easier and I owe you thanks, I love my job and my life.

Your website and blog served more as a guide and warning. When I started here in Poland I considered myself quite savvy to the profession, thanks to you.

I work hard, yes, but I work for myself. My wife has her own school and I easily earn triple most 25y/o's earn here in Poland, and I am relatively inexperienced.

6 months of teaching abroad and I have a nice house, savings, pension, plenty of travel experience and happiness.

A lot of schools are shit but fortunately I am teaching in an area with relatively few natives so maybe luck has something to do with my experience.

either way x, Thanks, keep on blogging.

Chris said...

email sent.