Sunday, June 17, 2012

American Badass

The trip was hellish, as always -- 24 hours total: 18 hours on planes, 6 hours in airports. And an hour long car ride to / from the airport on each side.

Of course I missed the deadline for VODKABERG, my memoir about Russia. But despite jetlag and the usual other family / friend / administrative things involved in coming back to America, it's very close to finished; give me another couple weeks.

The Russian Girlfriend will be going to the embassy in Moscow next week to see if she can get a student visa. If she does, we'll live here until next summer. If she doesn't, I'll probably meet her for a couple more holidays, maybe go to Russia for a while, and then try to get a job in the Emirates and try to get her over there.

But as for America -- I have a lot of grand plans, of course. It would be premature to discuss some of them, but I thought I'd give a brief outline of the American Dream as I intend to live it over this summer:


- Obtain a concealed carry handgun permit, as part of a grander plan to exercise all of my constitutional rights.

- Obtain advanced training with said handgun. (If I can't use my real cock for random controlled destruction of targets anymore, I'll use my artifical cock -- a .40 Beretta PX4 Storm.)

- Take martial arts lessons at a strip mall.

- Learn how to change the oil / spark plugs / serpentine belt / fan belt on a car

and something I'll be starting in about 9 days:

- SERE training. That's Survival, Evasion, Resist, and Escape training -- a 5-day civilian version of the military class. It's a few hours from where I live, taught by a well-known private contractor, bounty hunter and military trainer.  (I'm not sure if it's appropriate yet to plug the school; I'll consider that.)

And here are some American issues I plan to address in blog posts in the next couple weeks:

Hookers in Small Town America

Illegal Migrant Farm Workers Vs. English Teachers Abroad


A Statistical Analysis of the Hotness Quotient of Women at the Walmart, the Target, and the TGIFridays

Stay tuned folks, English Teacher X Version 3.0, and VODKABERG, coming soon.  


brian said...

Are you challenging Neil Strauss' Emergency?

Eve said...

Guns, handgun training, martial arts, hanging out in the bushes with a bunch of other disgruntled men carrying concealed weapons ... I somehow thought that you were going to at least try to be normal.

This sounds like classic PTSD. Get yourself sorted out before you drag your girl into the forest and force her to hunt for berries while you shoot squirrels, for god's sake.

English Teacher X said...

Back the land! Masculine stuff!

English Teacher X said...

The men with guns I've hung out with so far are much less disguntled than English teachers, by the way -- very coummunity oriented -- and you'll be happy to know so far they are a very multicultural bunch.

English Teacher X said...

Also by the way -- girlfriend totally approves of such hobbies, as long as they don't somehow secretly involve whores and alcohol.

Eve said...

A multicultural bunch of slightly disgruntled survivalists does sound somewhat better than a band of highly disgruntled white men in the forest; this much is true.

I only know a little about male bonding; somehow it seems like the Great Outdoors and/or blowing shit up is inevitably involved. (I understand through Judd Apatow movies that video gaming -- make-believe blowing shit up -- is also important to male-male peer bonding.)

Squirrel stew for everyone!

Tim said...

ETX, you are apparently in danger of not being thought "normal" by Eve. Since her opinion is so highly valued by all of us here, you might want to keep that in the back of your mind while you indulge yourself in these white American male activities.

English Teacher X said...

Yeah, I cried a little, I confess.

Lawrence said...

so long x teacher of english and thanks for all the blogs.
you may need the gun and the training its gonna be rough back there

Twenty said...

CCW and SERE training?

C'mon, the Russian Girlfriend can't be thatdangerous.