Nightclubbing (43-Year-Old Club Kid Tells All)

(Whilst I'm relaxing and gathering my thoughts down here in Costa Rica, enjoy this backlogged entry.)

I was in Cyprus about ten days without the Girlfriend, and without her, yes, I did go out to nightclubs a couple times.

I went to the Ayia Napa touristy nightclubs; they were a bit slow as it was the end of the tourist season, but I hung out and considered the scene. It was good; plenty of Russian chicks, who love nightclubs and dancing as a general rule. I was alone, and I wasn't by appearance the oldest guy there, although at 43, I'm certainly pushing it.

In addition to the Russians there was some kind of Norwegian school group there, so a lot of the bars were full of Norwegian teenagers, between 16 and 18, I guess, who were running amok. Guys and girls -- the girls were little blonde butterballs who were dancing in their bras and downing shot after lewdly-named shot.

SEMI-RETIRED

I mean, it's been YEARS since I hung out at clubs. 2009, a few tepid attempts when I returned to Russia for the summer in 2010. In spring of this year I went to bars in Dubai and Bahrain a few times, but not any real clubs where people were dancing.

My technique in nightclubs was basically just to dance a bit and stand around looking cute and approachable and put myself in the right position until a girl started talking to me; it worked for me well enough. I was no great dancer, but having dated several ballroom dancers in Russia, I got a few pointers and became passable.

In Ayia Napa, however, there were plenty of guys on the sidelines, mostly Cypriots and Greeks, I think. (As usual the Russian guys were too busy getting drunk.) When I got on the floor and tried to dance a bit -- my god, I was useless. Completely out of practice, I gave it up. I'm semi-retired from that shit, after all.

Just hanging out, though, I got enough sidelong glances and smiles to think that I might have had some luck, had I followed it up, but I didn't.

LATE IN THE GAME

I came to the nightclub thing rather late in the game; back in the early 90s, when I lived in New Orleans, me and my friends were mostly about hanging out in bars. Clubs were (and I mean this literally) for homosexuals, for the most part. We did like live-music shows at rock clubs, I suppose.

So I guess it was the heavily rave-inspired scene in the islands in Thailand in the 90s where I discovered that dancing is probably the easiest way to pick up a girl, without too much complicated conversation. So in addition to all the full-moon parties on Koh Phangan, I hung out a lot at the touristy bars on the islands -- the Bauhaus and the Reggae Pub in Ko Samui, the Shark Club in Phuket. I went alone, I danced a bit, drank a bit, occasionally met girls, and learned to enjoy it.

Then in Prague I became oddly obsessed with the Karlovy Lazni disco in 2000. It had recently opened and was so cheap, large and packed with people that I found it a sort of fascinating, otherworldly microcosm of humanity. I drank absinthe and studied it like a kid studying an ant hive, and feel I learned much about human nature and the rules of human attraction.

(Some of my colleagues had far more luck picking up girls at bars in Prague than I had picking up girls at that place -- I think I picked up maybe 2 girls there in 6 months. But, ever interested in abstracts, I insisted on going to the place, alone if I had to.)

Then of course in Russia, there pretty much weren't any bars, at least in the beginning when I got there. Going out meant going to a nightclub. And they were awesome -- girls went to nightclubs to dance and get laid and socialize. They weren't, at that time, at all snooty or trendy, and often had free stripshows and go-go dancers, lewd contests of various sorts, etc. (Note my African friends in the foreground there.)

You didn't need any pickup techniques other than speaking English, at that time. I did not, have not and will not, wear a shiny shirt or a funny hat at any nightclub.

(I know I make fun of PUA types for their humorlessness but all I've read about their nightclub techniques and how to approach and talk to women are surely pretty accurate. Mystery seems like a good teacher, BTW, and I'd give him an English teaching position without hesitation.)



NUMBERS GAME

So I was trying to think -- how many nights out at discos have I had in my life? In the ten years from 1999 - 2009, I'm thinking that we could definitely say at least two nights a week. Because often it was three, and in Vodkaberg, in 2004 and 2005 sometimes four and even a few times a harrowing five nights a week. (Back when I worked 4.45 to 9.30, it wasn't a big deal to sleep until 1.00 or 2.00 pm.)

So, 52 weeks times 10 years = 520 weeks, two days a week equals ... over A THOUSAND trips to  nightclubs.

Yeesh. That's quite a statistic. Because that is one unhealthy ecosphere, especially in countries where smoking is allowed in nightclubs. The loud music, too. I have tinnitus in my right ear, and I'm sure that's why.

In Cyprus, the clubs close at 2:00am -- at least they did in October -- that's actually an advantage compared to Russia, where the clubs closed at 5:00 or 6:00am and people were often too drunk and exhausted to have much good sex.(Myself certainly included.)

(Is there a PUA name for a technique where you hang around outside nightclubs that are closing and try to strike up conversations, and make invitations to after-parties, to girls coming out? We did that a lot back in the day, and I recommend it if you need to save the entrance fee.)

KIDS TODAY

On the way back to the hotel, on my last night in Cyprus, some drunk Norwegian teenage butterballs started talking to me and one said, "Do you want to buy us shots?" She indicated her friend and said, "She will give you a blowjob for it!" They burst into giggles and scurried into the club nearby.

I considered following them, of course, but just went back to the room. Kids today, I thought. Why, get a hold of yourself, girls, I haven't had sex with a teenager since I was 39.