Tuesday, May 07, 2013


So this is going to be my next book. I'm a bit more than 75 percent finished with it, but there's all kinds of shit going on in my life so I don't know when I'll get around to finishing and editing and polishing the fucking thing up and publishing it. Need to give myself a deadline, though, so let's say .. . August?

Graphic descriptions of sex with Slavic women aside, I'm sure that my fans are basically dying to know clear and concise ways to explain grammar. I touched on explaining grammar quite a bit in SPEAKING ACTIVITIES THAT DON'T SUCK, but this next book will go into greater details on  ways to explain all that difficult shit you encounter in class.

ETX is here to help, baby.

What do you think of this cover?

(The girl in the middle there is the Landlady's Daughter from VODKABERG, by the way. Psyche!)

That one is currently in the lead, but I may go outside-the-box and use one of these crazy motherfuckers -- the problem though is that the busy backgrounds distort a bit at thumbnail size, and you generally want a good-looking thumbnail on an ebook. 

Here's an excerpt:


If I see him, I will say hello.

You: Okay, what does “if” mean?

Students: Possibility!

You: What tense is used here in the first part?

Students: Present simple. So it happens every day!

You: WRONG! That IF changes the whole ball game. What time are we talking about here?

Dorky Student: One of many possible futures! Like string theory!

You: That’s it. First conditional – one possible present, leading to one possible future. Give me some more examples.

Dorky Student: If you touch me, I will scream.

Hot Chick: If you buy me an Iphone 5, I will love you forever.

You: Excellent.


If I saw him, I would say hello.

You: What are these tenses?

Students: Well … past tense, in the first part. WOULD plus the first form, in the second part? What the hell is would, teacher?

You: Well, I guess you could think of it as the past form of will, if you want.

Students: Past form of the future verb. Sure. Why didn’t we see it ourselves?

You: You’re slow but you are learning. So, what’s the difference in meaning?

Students: Second sentence talks about the past?

You: Nope, the IF changes everything. It’s about a future OR PRESENT that’s not probable or ... THAT’S NOT POSSIBLE! For example, if the guy is living in another country. Or dead.

Students: Eek.

If I had a million dollars, I’d buy a house.
If I flew to the moon, I’d write my name in the moon dust with pee.

You: First sentence. Do I have a million dollars?

Students: Judging by your shabby clothes, no.

You: Am I going to get a million dollars? Is it possible, in this crappy job? Am I ever going to buy a house?

Students: (Pissing themselves with laughter) No way, you loser!

You: Second conditional. Not possible, or very improbable?

Students: Just improbable, I guess.

You: Second sentence. Can I fly to the moon?

Students: No chance in hell!

You: Am I going to write my name in pee, there?

Students: Absolutely not. 

You: Impossible, or not probable?

Students: Not possible, teacher!

Dorky Student: If you tried to pee in the vacuum of space, it would suck your prostate out your urethra.

You: That sounds fun, actually. And with a vocabulary like that, shouldn’t you be in an advanced level? So, anyway, in these sentences, we’re talking about the unreal present, and the equally unreal future. Seems strange to have a tense to talk about that sort of thing, but it’s what seperates us from the savages, actually. Imagination. Perception of the future.

Students: Wow.

You: And all this for the price of one English lesson. You’re welcome!


brian said...

Actually, the cover should be you cornholing the landlady's daughter while spanking her with a ruler. Nun's habit in the background (or on you, or on her... or both, now that I consider it). By the way, taking a TESOL program over the summer; wish me luck.

Anonymous said...

I second what Brian says! Or use the background with the flames...

Jug Jugette said...

I favour the simple approach: a plain white cover with the word "GRAMMER" in the middle, perhaps in medieval script to add that little frisson.

English Teacher X said...

See that's lesson one -- grammAR is spelled GRAMM-A-R. not er.

Jug Jugette said...


Jug Jugette said...

I knew someone would fall for the bait, but I didn't expect it to be The Pedagogist of Kool, ETX!

English Teacher X said...

Oh, I mean, I knew you were making a joke there, but the point must be made!

Jug Jugette said...

Apologies ETX, I now catch your drift. I can be obtuse at times.

Eccentric Expat said...

Can't wait for this book. Don't like the busy and whacked out backgrounds on the cover variations, though. You should just use a simple gradient, something close to puke green.

Jug Jugette said...

Puke green, eh? Yes, that would be suitably tasteless. Or puce - now there's a colour to conjure with.

English Teacher X said...

I'll keep working on it. Isn't the SPEAKING ACTIVITIES cover kind of a puce shade, already? I might need to go with some kind of red though, to keep the color-coding with the other books straight.

Jug Jugette said...

Not really. Puce is far more bilious - see here: https://www.google.com/search?q=puce+colour&client=firefox-a&hs=Pix&rls=org.mozilla:en-GB:official&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=TEWMUdr3EseHkAX91YDwBQ&ved=0CEEQsAQ&biw=1600&bih=727

English Teacher X said...

The internet is as usual unable to agree even what color exactly puce is. And apparently the word originates from sheets covered with blood from flea bites combined with flea poop:


Jug Jugette said...

Well there you are, ETX; what colour could be more suitable for the cover of one of your learned tomes?

Anonymous said...

I vote flames. So retro.