Sunday, January 05, 2014

A New Year, A New Beginning

So 2013 really sucked balls, but of course who has the responsibility for making the next year better? That man in the mirror, baby.

To that end I'm branching out into several new businesses, to stimulate my Inner Whatever and increase my Automated Income Whatever.

Here are a few of the businesses I'll be getting involved in soon.

Retirement Homes / Assisted Living Facilities for Old English Teachers / Expats / Whoremongers -- Plenty of old guys abroad, both the kind who have been out for a lot of years and the kind who have retired abroad. Most of them are of course in terrible health. To that end, I'll be opening a chain of English Teacher X retirement homes and assisted living faciltiies. We'll be looking for property in areas convenient to whore-ridden areas like Thailand, Cambodia, Costa Rica and Colombia. There will be weekly events for residents such as pub crawls, drinking contests, and drunken arguments, as well as whores on staff for quick release.

Bankruptcy / Repatriation Services for Digital Nomads Who Have Gone Broke -- So you blogged about your cool ebay store that was making you enough money to have you living on the beach in Indonesia, and a hundred other people stole your idea and drove you out of business? And now you're too embarrassed to call your parents for money or your old boss and beg for your job back? With our new insurance policy, a low monthly payment to English Teacher X LLC will protect you from this ignominious fate. We will not only ensure that you get a ticket home, we will personally go apologize to your boss and parents and create a plausible excuse for your erratic behavior.

I Will Review The Reviews and Reviewers of Ebooks -- So you've hired 173 Chinese and Indians to review your ebooks, and now your Amazon page is covered with a bunch of incoherent, visibly fraudulent nonsense?  I will review the reviewers that you have chosen and add comments to the reviews attesting to their realism.

Copyright Infringement Protection Middleman -- By the time you get sued for unauthorized use of photos, song lyrics, products, or film dialogue in your blog, Youtube videos, or ebook, it's too late. But for a reasonable fee, I will examine your product(s) and determine if you are violating any copyrights. For an additional fee, I will NOT inform anybody about your blatant disregard for copyright laws.

* * *

And that's only scratching the surface, baby. I'll be sharing more ideas in the weeks to come. Enough moping and complaining; this is the New X!


brian said...

Nice return to form X. I may need extraction from Saudi Arabia; what are your rates?

Anonymous said...

I admire the added profit creativity from the extortion nested within the copyright service. Nice!!! Let me know if you ever need a job in my ESL school.