Tuesday, June 09, 2015

Who Needs a Job When You've Got Friends

TEFLpocolypse 2015 continues. Nothing but eerie silence from three different contracting companies who took my resume and assured me that my qualifications and experience were great. I'm "on the bench" for a job in America but what does that mean other than that I don't have a job offer yet.

I seem not to be the only one in the sinking boat; a lot of the contractors at my last job in the Kingdom are not having their contracts renewed (or they're being put on 6-month contracts) at the end of the summer, and I've gotten several e-mails from people looking for jobs who tell me they are experiencing the same complete lack of response.

But things are tough all over, and when the going gets tough, the tough write porn. Here's an IM conversation with old school friend in America, Buck, a video editor who also faces unemployment. We discuss my new career and how to succeed in job interviews. And there are special Easter egg links in there to a couple of my porn projects, FREE for a limited time ... if you've got the guts.

* * * 


Buck:
Where are you right now?

ETX: 

Budapest hungary, where else?
waiting to see if I have a job in China and writing gay werewolf porn


Buck

That was gonna be my first guess! Take a pic of a real gypsy for me.

ETX:

i find the European ambiance really helps me keep my gay werewolf enema porn real
gives it a certain joie de vivre

Buck:

Gays need love based beast porn too! You may able to get a grant for providing a diverse service.

ETX:
i think amazon doesn't block gay porn, no matter how horrific, because they don't want to be accused of being homophobic

If I don't get any job offers, I'll be back in America in August, probably, to get a master's at (REDACTED) there's also a possibility of a job in America, teaching Saudis

Buck:

Is banking a few more years in the Middle East still the main plan?

ETX:
well, it was the plan, thy wouldn't give me job in Abu Dhabi
i was planning to settle there, they have 3 year contracts. but not for me, apparently
i don't know if I'm getting too creepy from porn writing or my qualifications are out of date, or maybe both

Buck:

It's your eye. I've been meaning to tell you. It's began to googly.

ETX:
well, I squinted the whole time, it was bright in there.
how's your job, is it going to continue?

Buck:

It's gonna continue until December out of shear stubbornness on (my boss's) part. At least so know I have 7 months to find another.

ETX:
it really surprised me to find I'm not a prime candidate anymore
three interviews and no job offers. Or rather, one shitty job offer in rural Saudi.
Three companies took my resume and NO RESPONSE AT ALL.
Thank god for werewolf enema porn.



Buck:

Do you make eye contact during the interviews? My dad once called you, "shifty" due to your lack of eye contact. I nervous talk which makes me seem desperate.

ETX:
well that's nice to know your dad is prejudiced against autistics
i didn't think the interviews were any worse than the ones that got me my last couple jobs
although one, they had my head broadcast on a huge screen during it while they recorded it. It looked like Max Headroom

Buck:

Yeah, I would get rattled in that situation. Any situation where I have to see myself though.

ETX:
i mean okay they record it, do they need to broadcast it on a giant screen TV?
I thought about asking them to turn it off, but I thought maybe it was some kind of stress test

Buck:

It totally was. I'm surprised they didn't run it through all the Photo Booth effects to see when you'd crack. I always crack at the effect where it makes my head look like it's squeezed between Bea Authur's tits.

ETX:
maybe they analyze eye movements and stuff to see if you're lying
microscopic face twitches

Buck:

I'm gonna have start interviewing in the fall. I've got a few months to study the techniques and work on my flop sweats.

ETX:

I like to go in and announce, "You know, I don't need this job. I have a CONSIDERABLE income from enema porn. But, I thought maybe you could use a guy like me."
That, and wear a Cosby sweater

Buck:

I like to be critical but I see no flaw in that approach

ETX:
you know, you have to take control. I sit on the table, also, so I'm looking down at the interviewers.
And I criticize their footwear, also
"Those shoes look ... comfortable."

Buck:

Another thing to try is to re-tie their necktie for them if they're wearing one
If they aren't, bring one for them

ETX:
the contractors i talked to said that there's a lot of applications now from real teachers with master's degrees and stuff, who got downsized out of their jobs in the US and UK school system.
I'm kind of like, "So they DON'T have two year gaps between all their jobs?"
And like change jobs every year?"

Buck:
Yeah, employers don't like proof of of employment instability. How fucked up is that?

ETX:
I mean, jesus christ, that's a sign of mental illness, as far as I'm concerned, a sane man needs a holiday after teaching dickheads in an industrial zone

Buck:

Mad Men praises Don Draper for his vanishing acts

ETX:
i liked to think of myself as the Don Draper of english teaching
except without the nice suits, or the square jaw, or the charm
or the talent, or the management skills

Buck:

I really should have tried to pick up a skill or two over the years. The only thing I have experience in and could be hired for, I no longer want to do.

ETX:
i know that fucking feeling
at least I thought, well, the job needs me more than I need it, but now I get a wake up call.
i mean, gay biker werewolf enema porn saved my life really
I would have done a kurt cobain

Buck:

Yeah, that's sobering. I wonder how much experience is required for a pit boss.

ETX:
I'd have watched the Foo Fighters on Letterman and killed myself as the last note played



but then as my finger tightened on the trigger, I thought of all those fat housewives who want to read about gay bikers fucking

Buck:

Yeah but you watched it on a delay so no one would have gotten the timing

ETX:
well, yeah, it just would have been another thing in my youtube list with Savannah Smiles and Rape Squad



Buck:

You've been baptized by the vaginal juices of horny housewives. Saved by lustful panty moisture, one precious drop at a time

ETX:
it's not a job, it's a calling
i mean, i' am just the vessel

Buck:

You are a pipeline, providing orgasms from the gods of perversion.

ETX

i will shew them the way
i'm off to cruise the mean streets bro peace out

Buck:

Later hossenfeffer
Chat Conversation End

Read more about my friends in America and my experiences in porn writing in:
REQUIEM FOR A VAGABOND

Get it here on Amazon, FREE on Kindle Unlimited


15 comments:

Ken said...

the contractors i talked to said that there's a lot of applications now from real teachers with master's degrees and stuff, who got downsized out of their jobs in the US and UK school system.

The funny thing is the UK system and the 'real qualified teacher status' isn't really real any more. Quite recently in fact 2 months ago it became a bought qualification whereby as long as you pay the one off £490 fee and yearly £150 fee you get to put your name on the list. But yes almost everybody here as a masters in something. This is part of the reason I'm sitting tight in my role.


Some of the US state systems allow you to use overseas work experience (they don't check) to get state level teaching licences as well.


A minor ray of light though might be that in the very near future the UK ESOL teaching system may well expand (even on static budgets). My classes are getting bigger and the fucked up situation in Northern Africa as well as the EU opening up has meant a lot of non English speakers are ending up in the UK.

8 years ago my classes were all Polish students wanting to get off the bottom rung of their work places. These tapered off and 18 months ago due to the EU allowing Romania and Bulgaria my classes are suddenly filled with Romanians and Bulgarians. They don't even meet TOEFL/IELTS bad of 0 they are that limited.

Unfortunately while this means a whole load of work. It also means the absolute lowest level elementary classes... lots of drilling... lots of phonetics and teaching of A B Cs. When level 1+ is actually where I prefer to teach (yes I am the freak that loves level 1 and higher types).

englishteacherx said...

Level 1 can be fun due to the fast progress they can make. Given an enthusiastic motivated class, I mean.

Ken said...

I knew I forgot to mention something as an alternative I was going to work it in as a joke. It's 5 hours since that post and I can't be bothered to work it in as a joke anymore.

There is a person called Ben. He did the whole illegal teaching on tourist visas and suddenly got kicked out of China. Due to Chinese border control getting its act together and also some sort of ASEAN data sharing agreement the new passport trick did not work. He found himself unable to get an Australian visa and many of the countries in SEA denied him.

He ended up desperate and penniless and needed $1400+ to get a ticket back to the UK...

He ended up working as a male prostitute servicing... shall we say older SEA women for what he claimed to be $25 a go getting a nickname $25 whore. The truth came about and it was $5 a pop. He spent a long time trying to delete his posts and pictures except the forum owner denied him access.

But lets not hope the ESOL world gets that bad eh?

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed the chat. Glad to see you have friends like Buck - he's a mutant.

englishteacherx said...

Wow, is there any way i can contact the guy who worked as a prostitute? That sounds like a great interview.

Anonymous said...

I was a stockbroker back in the day. Does that count?

englishteacherx said...

I have a New York State teaching license from 1997. As I remember having a bachelor's degree and $50 got you one, in those days.

Ken said...

I'm not sure if I can... he flounced off the forum we use after somebody popped his bubble.

Pete M said...

OK those are some interesting titles. Can I suggest that you use canva.com for the layout of your kindle covers? It's free unless you use their images, and I think the text layout options will look more professional than your current covers.

englishteacherx said...

I'll check that out. Always nice to have another tool in the box. But I have another porn alias that uses professionally edited (and carefully written) text, professional covers, and social media marketing, and then I have those two aliases, in which I slap up hastily-written barely edited keyword-focused crap with covers I make myself in ten minutes. And take a wild guess which sells more?

Pete M said...

Interesting, I wonder why that is? I also thought the absence of reviews would hurt your sales, but apparently not.

Anonymous said...

Hey X, are you still looking for work in the U.S.? Thought of teaching at the public school level? I know we have a shortage of qualified teachers for the 2015-2016 year in my city. I can send you a private email if you want to know specifics. I have been a fab for many years going back when you were in Russia!

englishteacherx said...

I'm not sure I'm a qualified teacher, what does qualification consit of where you are?

Anonymous said...

Hey X,

Sorry took so long to write back. Need a B.A. and then they have a 4 week fast track training program.....Las Vegas! I don't know if you have one but with your qualifications with TEFL (we have a lot of Foreign kids) I'm sure they might over look that.

https://www.ccsd.net/

http://www.reviewjournal.com/news/nevada-legislature/lawmakers-tackle-teacher-shortage-scholarship-fund-bonuses


Let me know if this helps and if you need more info! Yeah the pay SUCKS bad but its a starter job and if you look t there PEERS , great benefits, pension and with more cert/higher education you make a little more

Anonymous said...

traditionally subject teachers, like bio and history, are easy to source now. i graduated with a masters and dual certification. oddly enough, i had more luck getting domestic interviews. even crap (but not the crappiest) schools wanted at least two years domestic experience.