Monday, August 13, 2012
Meanwhile, In The Year 2027 . . .
Today by miraculous advances in time-travel technology, I present an interview with English Teacher X 2027, the 58-year old version of myself.
I travelled through time to meet myself in the Happy Boom-Boom Bar in Angeles City in the Philipines.
I was living in a small room above the bar, but we conducted the interview in the bar rather than the small room, which only had one chair, a bed, and a sink which smelled suspiciously of urine.
The bar was full of pudgy bar girls with bad skin and teeth screeching "Hello!" and "I love you!" constantly for no discernible reason.
Me: It's a real pleasure to see you.
ETX 2027: COUGH COUGH COUGH HACK HACK HACK SPIT Why thank you there JESUS CHRIST YOU JUST CAN'T GET ANY GOOD CHEESE IN THIS COUNTRY! MISERABLE FUCKING LITTLE BROWN SAVAGES!
Me: I see you have lost several of your fingers somewhere along the line, and most of your teeth.
ETX 2027: Yes, diabetes or some shit. I don't know, I never go to the doctor. Those fucking idiot sawbones around this place, I wouldn't send my dog there, if I had a dog. I hate dogs, too.
Me: Do you work here?
ETX 2027: No, there's not really any English teaching anymore work since the Nanomolecular Instantaneous Translator app was invented for our Apple Brain Implants. I just live off my ebook income. Almost $300 a month! My latest book GONORRHEA SUNSET was a big seller. I think that we can all admit that this is the fucking epitome of being alpha dog -- do enough stupid embarrassing funny shit that you can support yourself writing books about all the stupid embarrassing funny shit you did, and telling others how to be as cool as you.
Me: Gosh. $300 a month, that can't be very comfortable, though, can it?
ETX 2027: It's fine as long as you don't eat any cheese. FUCKING CHEESE IN THIS COUNTRY IS OUTRAGEOUSLY EXPENSIVE THESE GODDAM LITTLE FUCKING SAVAGES! I eat a couple plates of rice and rancid fish every day, I burned most of my taste buds away with the whiskey years ago anyway.
Me: Are you married?
ETX 2027: Hmmm . . . let me think . . . no, I don't think I am, at the moment. Number five just ran out on me. She took off with my life savings. Almost $800! Good riddance, miserable little cannibal savages!
ETX 2027: Sure. She ate me nightly HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH HACK HACK HACK SPIT
Me: Any children?
ETX 2027: Next question.
Me: Do you still travel a lot?
ETX 2027: Sure! It broadens the mind!
Me: Any advice for the younger version of yourself, or your readers back in 2012?
ETX 2027: Seize the fucking day youngster! HACK HACK HACK HACK HACK COUGH COUGH HACK HACK HACK COUGH COUGH
Me: Any regrets?
ETX 2027: I wish I'd fucked a few more whores and drank a few more whiskeys! HA HA HA HA HACK HACK HACK COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH Did I mention how FUCKING EXPENSIVE CHEESE IS HERE? GODDAM MOTHERFUCKING SUERMARKETS SUCK BALLS HERE!
Me: Do you think you'll ever go back to America?
ETX 2027: Jesus Christ no. I think some whore stole my passport a couple years ago, anyway, and I never got it replaced.
Me: Any last words of wisdom?
ETX 2027: Well, I'm reminded of the story of the ant and the grasshopper. I can't remember the whole idea of it, but I think the idea was that grasshoppers have better lives. Hopping around, rather than slaving all day in the ant hill! Serving the queen and all that shit. Live free or die! GET OUT AND HOP AROUND, MOTHERFUCKERS! Something like that. I don't remember. Hey, there's my latest 17-year-old piece of ass!
17-year-old Whore: HELLO! I LOVE YOU! BOOM BOOM! HELLO! 100 DOLLARS!
ETX 2027: (Leering bloatedly) That's my girl!