Today by miraculous advances in time-travel technology, I present an interview with English Teacher X 2027, the 58-year old version of myself.
I travelled through time to meet myself in the Happy Boom-Boom Bar in Angeles City in the Philipines.
I was living in a small room above the bar, but we conducted the interview in the bar rather than the small room, which only had one chair, a bed, and a sink which smelled suspiciously of urine.
The bar was full of pudgy bar girls with bad skin and teeth screeching "Hello!" and "I love you!" constantly for no discernible reason.
Me: It's a real pleasure to see you.
ETX 2027: COUGH COUGH COUGH HACK HACK HACK SPIT Why thank you there JESUS CHRIST YOU JUST CAN'T GET ANY GOOD CHEESE IN THIS COUNTRY! MISERABLE FUCKING LITTLE BROWN SAVAGES!
Me: I see you have lost several of your fingers somewhere along the line, and most of your teeth.
ETX 2027: Yes, diabetes or some shit. I don't know, I never go to the doctor. Those fucking idiot sawbones around this place, I wouldn't send my dog there, if I had a dog. I hate dogs, too.
Me: Do you work here?
ETX 2027: No, there's not really any English teaching anymore work since the Nanomolecular Instantaneous Translator app was invented for our Apple Brain Implants. I just live off my ebook income. Almost $300 a month! My latest book GONORRHEA SUNSET was a big seller. I think that we can all admit that this is the fucking epitome of being alpha dog -- do enough stupid embarrassing funny shit that you can support yourself writing books about all the stupid embarrassing funny shit you did, and telling others how to be as cool as you.
Me: Gosh. $300 a month, that can't be very comfortable, though, can it?
ETX 2027: It's fine as long as you don't eat any cheese. FUCKING CHEESE IN THIS COUNTRY IS OUTRAGEOUSLY EXPENSIVE THESE GODDAM LITTLE FUCKING SAVAGES! I eat a couple plates of rice and rancid fish every day, I burned most of my taste buds away with the whiskey years ago anyway.
Me: Are you married?
ETX 2027: Hmmm . . . let me think . . . no, I don't think I am, at the moment. Number five just ran out on me. She took off with my life savings. Almost $800! Good riddance, miserable little cannibal savages!
Me: Cannibals?
ETX 2027: Sure. She ate me nightly HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH HACK HACK HACK SPIT
Me: Any children?
ETX 2027: Next question.
Me: Do you still travel a lot?
ETX 2027: Sure! It broadens the mind!
Me: Any advice for the younger version of yourself, or your readers back in 2012?
ETX 2027: Seize the fucking day youngster! HACK HACK HACK HACK HACK COUGH COUGH HACK HACK HACK COUGH COUGH
Me: Any regrets?
ETX 2027: I wish I'd fucked a few more whores and drank a few more whiskeys! HA HA HA HA HACK HACK HACK COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH Did I mention how FUCKING EXPENSIVE CHEESE IS HERE? GODDAM MOTHERFUCKING SUERMARKETS SUCK BALLS HERE!
Me: Do you think you'll ever go back to America?
ETX 2027: Jesus Christ no. I think some whore stole my passport a couple years ago, anyway, and I never got it replaced.
Me: Any last words of wisdom?
ETX 2027: Well, I'm reminded of the story of the ant and the grasshopper. I can't remember the whole idea of it, but I think the idea was that grasshoppers have better lives. Hopping around, rather than slaving all day in the ant hill! Serving the queen and all that shit. Live free or die! GET OUT AND HOP AROUND, MOTHERFUCKERS! Something like that. I don't remember. Hey, there's my latest 17-year-old piece of ass!
17-year-old Whore: HELLO! I LOVE YOU! BOOM BOOM! HELLO! 100 DOLLARS!
ETX 2027: (Leering bloatedly) That's my girl!
20 comments:
Ah, now we've entered the "self-loathing" phase - pretty original. Soon we should see the "English Teacher X - Born Again Christian" edition?
I've never been much of a joiner, but there are some very appealing deals at Shaolin monastaries in China.
Gosh, when is GONNORHEA SUNSET coming out? That sounds awesome!
What? Angeles City?? I always thought you'd end up back in Bangkok, puking up blood and sleeping on your transvestite lover's floor.
From the tone of these last 2 posts it sounds like X is having a mid-life crisis.
Hi there,
I have just watched Hostel.After watching that I am kind of put off teaching English overseas if that stuff is for real.English X, do you respond to comments personally? I am king of freaked out.
So what's it like in the alternate future where you marry the Russian chick?
He he, not only do they torture you to death like in HOSTEL,they sell your organs and then steal your identity and sell it to terrorists.
Anyway, come on, this website has always been about the dark side of this shit; now that there are so many "Happier Abroad" websites and blogs I feel the need to go darker. Believe me you'll me a lot more old guys like ETX 2027 abroad than happy fulfilled ones. At least I did. Maybe the happy ones just stay home at night, I don't know.
How about this; stay home in Oklahoma for the next two years. Get the best job you can and write about life with the happy, chubby, god-fearing Amerikans. Shop at Walmart, bitch about that negro/socialist Obama and join the NRA. Make sure to get a gym membership and USE IT, lest you become a middle aged fatty like 95% of your neighbors/co-workers. Be sure to send pics of fat 43 year-old chick you scored on Match.com (she'll be 43 because in Amerika you can only date women your own age - not 20-something Russkies - nooooo son, THAT would make you a perverted pedophile...like the unhappy guys in Angeles City - damn, couldn't you have used a better example!....like Pattaya?).
Well, that was the plan actually... but it looks like it's not going to happen now.
http://englishteacherx.blogspot.com/2012/03/next-destination.html
You could head out West to Slab City, X, that seems to be a good place for old burnouts --
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vVCSUafFVI&feature=relmfu
My bad. I just re-read the piece on "next destination", in particular the comment about your dad's health. Sorry, didn't mean to be an insensitive asshole - perhaps I might learn to read in my spare time. Making a point to be around your folks in their times of need is good karma.
ETX, I think the writing is on the wall for you. You should try out St. Pete's after you debauch in South America for a couple of years, just long enough to figure out that SA women are even bigger gold diggers than Russkiy devushki. It's a modern city yet with tons of history, and not quite as expensive as Moscow. Or perhaps you should try out Ukraine this time? Just like Russia, but a bit poorer and more foreign sex tourists. And obviously much closer to the sea (and Turkey).
SA more sex tourists than Russkie? Perhaps Colombia, and Rio (if your talking rich idiots), but the rest of SA - no way. I lived in BA for 4 years and Santiago for one, and have traveled the region extensively. Trust me - no sex turistas to speak of. I loved it there and plan to live there full time. Ukraine is dismal. I'd like to check out St. Pete.......
I've been to Piter several times -- it's got a sort of Scandanavian vibe that makes it feel not completely Russian to me --
Again, since nobody seems to read my back catalog --
http://englishteacherx.blogspot.com/search?q=St.+Petersberg
Anonymous, I said there's more sex tourists in Ukraine, not in SA. But by many indications, SA does have a healthy lead in the number of gold diggers, although I'm referring mainly to Columbia and Brazil. From what I've heard, Argentina and Chile are much more conservative countries (or at least the women are).
Sorry ETX, missed that old post about Piter. I guess today isn't "Reading Comprehension Day".
Cheer up X. Every day is a chance to make new choices!
Hahahahaha, this is hilarious. Any thoughts on how many years one can go drinking/fucking 3rd world girls and still not become a miserable old man? Cut-off at a certain age?
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