Wednesday, August 02, 2017

Human Weakness

I'm in Bangkok for a couple of days, prior to flying to Bali for the last part of my summer holiday.

I was all set last night to get drunk and head down to Nana Plaza and bang a whore, something that I almost always enjoy.

But I slipped.

I mean, I was jetlagged, okay. It was raining a bit.

So I stayed in ...

 ... and played video games.

But at least I didn't do any porn, okay? At least I didn't do any porn.

I still woke up feeling pretty ashamed, though.

For the last few years, my worst compulsions are video games and porn.

I know, right? What can I say?

I've been under a fair bit of stress the last couple years, mainly having to participate quite a lot in taking care of my Parkinson's-stricken father, as well as doing a master's degree.

But instead of popping prescription pills and eating a lot, like most Americans
my age, I'm on porn and video games.

The porn is the worst; I'll write about that in another entry. Suffice it to say I'm now one month porn-free, and feeling fairly proud of myself.

Now, the video games; bascially it's only one, the survival game Don't Starve, and I don't think I ever play for more than an hour or two at a time. So I"m not nearly as bad as a lot of people with that shit. But still, it's one of my first "go to"s when I'm feeling stressed.

I'm hardly completely sober; I drink on occasion, but in general it just makes me feel like shit and I don't enjoy it much. On the rare occasion I go out to bars, I'm usually bored and irritated. My colleagues at the last two positions have invited me out quite often; I rarely envy them when they come to work hungover with lost phones and black eyes. (How many black eyes and lost phones can a guy have in a life?)

I mean really, though, if you're going to have addictions, porn and video games are pretty good ones. They're cheap, not all that bad for your health, and easy to maintain. (But that makes them harder to kick, of course.)

So that's the state of my weakness at this moment.

I mean, you don't choose your compulsions, right? They choose you.

I'm working on it though, man, I'm working on it.


Unknown said...

I was the primary caretaker for my Parkinsonian dad at the end of his life, and you are coping a lot better than I did.

Hope that helps.

If you are truly committed to beating up on yourself though, nothing will help.

Reader L said...

I thought the below was a really interesting article, in which the author pokes a lot of holes in the argument that internet porn is creating all kinds of bad effects.

My rough take on it has always been that it's no big deal, and probably harmless as long as a person is having/seeking real relationships/interactions.

English Teacher X said...

Yeah, I read it, so the guy's point is that it's not the porn, it's the excessive masturbation that goes with it that is the problem?


Reader L said...

I think he just questions the studies, and the conclusions people are making based on them. I think he's also saying that there are a lot of reasons why people might be having problems in sex and relationships (i.e. beyond porn).

English Teacher X said...

Yeah, what about our telephones constantly radiating our testicles? That's one you don't hear much about.

Lawrence said...

Good luck, as addictions go you lucked out.

Anonymous said...

Being in a depressed state is tough, your circumstances make it a fairly normal reaction. Seek counseling, try not to isolate yourself. Marry the girl and settle on a place to live. I miss Englishteacherx he was great fun while it lasted but getting through the hangover is never easy and age is a pun intended. Big hug.